Tuesday, February 28, 2012


My Mom was an amazing women of God, she is the reason why I am the person I am today! She was the kind of person who everyone knew and loved, her smile could brighten up a room and her hugs were so loving! She was known as Grandma Honey and loved her grand kids with her whole heart. She was the Mom who you could always go to for advice, everyday when I left the house she always told me to say my prayers (something her Mom instilled in her). She taught us to treat people the way we wanted to be treated. My love of baking comes from her and those are some of my fondest memories with her! To know me is to know a part of my Mom, and I am honored to be her daughter and carry on her legacy!

Two years ago today she took her own life, a day I will never forget and one I wish never happened. She had struggled with depression for years, but never let anyone know how bad it had gotten, none of us saw this coming. That day my Dad lost his love, my brothers, sister in-laws and JC & I lost our Mom, My nephews and niece lost their Grandma Honey, her parents lost their daughter, her siblings lost a sister, her nieces and nephews lost their Auntie Maggie and the world lost a bright shinning star. I remember that day as if it were yesterday.

JC and I were going to go pick out tuxes for our wedding since it was only a short 5 months away! I went to say goodbye to my Mom before we left, she was still asleep so I didn't want to wake her. I remember thinking that she was very still and I turned around to look at her one more time before I left the room. JC and I went on our way to run our errands for the day (he was in town from Chicago just for the weekend). I received the worst phone call of my life while I was at a stop light, it was my dad on the other end "it looks like Mom killed herself." I just burst into tears and yelled WHAT?! and said I would be home right away.

I pulled into a parking lot, JC was driving our other car behind me. I got out of the car sobbing and blurted out what my Dad had just told me. JC just held me, got me in the car and we starting driving to the house. As we turned the corner I remember seeing a lot polices cars in front of our house, I felt like I was going to throw up. We got out of the car, I hugged my brother Brian and then went to find my Dad who was sitting in a car trying to stay warm. He still had the house phone in his hand and the first thing he said to me was "Oh honey, How could Mom do this? I'm going to be so lonely." I have never seen my Dad this broke and sad in my life, and I never want to see him like that again! 

The next week is a blur of waking up in tears and reliving that horrible day. As we struggled to understand why she would do this and why now. We all relied on our faith in God and knowing her strong faith in the Lord, we know that she is in Heaven! This brought us comfort in knowing that she was not hurting any more and she had no more worries. 

As the months went by I missed my Mom so much, especially because I was now left with planning the rest of my wedding without her. I was thankful that she and I were able to pick out my wedding dress together, that is a special memory I will never forget. JC worked extra hours to make sure that I had the wedding day I had always dreamed of, and I am so thankful for all he did. Our wedding was beautiful, but I couldn't help but miss my Mom that day and wishing she could be there with us. I know that she was looking down on us and she made sure that we had a beautiful sunny day, we got married outside in a garden! 
Wedding Day with my Mom shinning on me!

The Family on our Wedding Day!

As the time has gone by the hurt has been easier to deal with but it is still hard and I miss her everyday! I rejoice in knowing that she is reunited with her Mom and she gets to enjoy our little Maggie Grace (her name sake)! Here are some pictures of us as I grew up and some of my favorite pictures with her!

xoxox Bee
After one of my dance recitals
Mom and I

1 comment:

  1. Oh Bee, you have experienced hurt that so many only think about in their worst nightmares. I met Maggie just a few times, but I am thankful for her and the opportunity for me to get to know, and feel like I am a part of the family that she created. While the loss of your mom is one I know plagues you daily, her memory is so alive in all of you! Thank you for sharing your raw recount of that awful day. Love you, sister!