Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Becoming Unraveled

Do you ever feel like your a spool of thread that is spinning so fast that you feel like you are coming unraveled, your spinning in a million directions and don't know which way is up? Welp that is how I have been feeling lately, trying to trust God with what the future holds with JC's job, where we are going to live, waiting patiently for a baby and just fully relying on him! Since we got back from this weekend I feel like we have about a million things on our plates!

I got called to work eight hours yesterday then from there I headed straight over to learn how to make bread with my Apples of Gold friends, it was fun and I enjoyed it but I had to leave early because I was exhausted and JC had been home most of the day by himself with the crazy puppies... and I just missed him! When I got home we just talked about a million miles a minute talking about our day and what this week holds. We will be moving to a new house by Sunday, Monday at the latest because the house we are renting right now has been bought and the owners are moving in soon. The house we are moving into is on the market and the owner wants to sell it, so we will be moving again probably at the end of the summer! You may wonder why we don't just buy a house and stop renting houses, well that would be great if JC's job was guaranteed to him. He was hired on as an interim (temporary) youth pastor, so we knew going into this that he was guaranteed a job for 12 months with a promise he could interview to stay on permanently. Our 12 months would have been up in September but he was just recently asked to stay on until December! They are in the process of hiring a permeant senior pastor and after they hire them they are given about six months to decide how JC is doing in his job and they begin the interview process for JC's job and with the Covenant they have to interview at least two other people besides JC. So needless to say we are not promised that we will be here a year from now, before we got engaged JC made me promise him that I was ok with marrying someone who was going into ministry knowing we will probably have to move quite a bit. So I have always known this is how it would be, but it's still hard to trust God with our future.

Also wanting to get pregnant soon, I really don't want to deliver this next baby anywhere else because my doctor and nurses here know what we have been through and have been so sensitive and kind in this time. So knowing that we might have to move before I deliver this next baby makes me sad, anxious and nervous! I have such a strong bond with my doctor and really want her to walk with us during this next pregnancy and see us become parents and have a baby to bring home!

So with the stress of a busy week and having to move on top of it, I woke up this morning feeling exhausted and sick. Just what I need right now to be sick... not! I'm wondering if this is God's way of telling me to slow down, take a deep breath and to trust him! I don't know if you have ever heard of the poem Footprints in the sand... it's one of my favorites and one that I cling to in times of uncertainty. If you have not read this poem before I hope it speaks into your life and you are able to use it as a source of hope in your life!

So as this week continues I am trying to stay calm and carry on trusting and leaning on my God who walks next to me and carries me when I can not walk myself. I continue to pray that God will give me patients to trust him and his timing, that I trust what he has planned for our future and that he continues to use JC and I to bring the good news of his kingdom!

"For I know the plans I have for you." declares the Lord, "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all of your heart." Jeremiah 29: 11-13 


Monday, April 23, 2012

Destination Unknown

What a blessed weekend we had! We left church on Saturday around 11am with 19 students heading down to the twin cities, they didn't know where we were taking them until we got down there. We surprised them with a Casting Crowns concert! If you have ever heard of this christian band you know how awesome they are and how there lyrics really speak into you! This was my first teens trip I took with them, it was awesome to get to know some of the students better and to see my hubby in action. I can just see how much he loves these kids and really enjoys his job, did I ever mention how much I love and respect him?! He is kinda great and I feel so blessed to be his wife and stand by his side! 

Our sponsor Child, Brenda! 
Saturday night was an awesome night of music and worship, I was so blessed by all the artists that performed! It was great to see the kids in worship and singing along with the songs! This tour was sponsored by World Vision, which is a great organization that helps bring better lives to people in need in other countries. The band talked about their experiences with this organization and being touched by visiting their sponsor children, JC and I were touched by the stories and decided to try and find a girl with Maggie Grace's birthday to sponsor and low and behold we found one! I was meant to be, as I filled out the paper work JC talked to the guy at the table and shared the story about our baby girl. When we went to walk away from the table we were stopped by a man who said he overheard JC telling the story of how we lost our baby, he just looked so sad and asked if he could hug us. We hugged and shared a little bit of our stories, he asked what her name was and told us he would keep us in his prayers and encouraged us to keep leaning on God. Talking with this man made me realize how much impact our Maggie Grace has had on people. We love you and miss you baby girl and appreciate your life and what you have given us and other people!  By the time we got back to the church we stayed at that night, I think we were all exhausted especially the leaders. 

Sunday we woke up bright and early, cleaned up and headed to my home church for the 9:15 service. I so loved being back in my home church and visiting with people that have known me since I was young and have seen me grow up. I was able to get Ryleigh (my sweet two year old niece) from the nursery and my heart leaped for joy when I saw her and heard her say my name! This little girl is SO incredibly special to me, all my nephews are too... but she holds a special place in my heart! I was so thankful that I was able to spend time with my family, it was not nearly long enough but it was great to just see their faces!! 

We got home last night to our two very happy and excited puppies (I love coming home to them!) We think Zeke grow about 2 inches literally over night, he is getting so big already!! We are working hard on training with him, and enjoying the puppy stage. They are defiantly keeping us busy and on our toes! This is a busy week for us, and we are more than likely moving into a new house by sunday... so we are going to be busy packing and cleaning. I hope you all had a great weekend, here are some pics of our weekend! 


Saturday morning leaving the church! 
Detour to buy a new side mirror for the bus because the original one fell off! 

I love this man! 

Great concert with great bands! 

All the teens that came! 

Casting Crowns on stage! 

My favorite little girl! 

Love this boy, can you tell we are related?!

Ian David with Sophie (Mary's dog)

Sweet little Ori

Hi Clay William! 

Ryleigh Grace

Sweet faces that I love!

Friday, April 20, 2012

What a Week!

This week as been a whirlwind! I was busy with work, I gave the talk wednesday night at teens, met a friend for coffee thursday morning, we have been busy training the puppy, and last night we bought JC his very first grill, so we had yummy steaks last night for dinner! Today we have been busy cleaning up the house and tonight we have to pack because we are leaving tomorrow morning for our destination unknown! I'm excited to be going to a teen event because I am not super pregnant right now, Sunday we are going to be going to my church that I grew up in! I'm excited for the teens to experience my home church and my dad graciously offered to have us all over to his house after church for a cook out! I'm excited to visit home even if it's just for a few short hours!! We are leaving our puppies with one of the students to take care, I just hope they are good while we are gone! I think both JC and I are excited to spend some quality time with a smaller group of the teens and the event we are going to is going to be lots of fun!! I hope you all have a wonderful weekend! Here are some pics from the week and some of the crazy pups!! 


Zeke in the car going to visit daddy at work

Me heading to work channeling my inner Audrey Hepburn!

Sweet card from Dad and Mary!

Puppies playing tug of war under the table

JC's new grill!

He's so proud to have his own grill!! :)

Yummy steak!

Our crazy puppies!

Zeke playing outside in the sun today!

Monday, April 16, 2012

Zeke's first snow day!

Today was Zeke's first day being in the snow (yes snow on April 16th... gotta love the weather in northern MN!) and boy did he love it! He didn't want to come in! Here are some pics from today and the past few days with the pups! 


Zeke loves to look at himself and lick the mirror!

one of his favorite spots, sleeping on daddy's sweatpants! 

Rope toy shredded! 

Love playing together!

Disaster puppy zone... we are now down to 1 ball!!

Puppy training time with daddy! 


Such good listeners! 

Look Zeke... it's SNOW!!

He loved burying his face in the snow! 

Crazy pup!

This is him on the steps not wanting to come in...

Run Zeke run! 

Little Reminders of our Maggie Grace...

Everywhere I look wether it be in the grocery store, at home, at church, on Facebook... I see reminders of our little girl, reminders of a life hoped for with her. 

Maggie Grace was suppose to be the new, exciting, happy little gift for our families. She was that little person we hoped for, dreamed of, longed for and waited anxiously for nine whole months to meet! So when January 8th came our families lost that hope, our dreams went up in smoke and that little person that we waited to anxiously for was gone. Oh how I wish I could have met our precious Maggie Grace! 

Even now after her room has been cleaned out and repainted, precious beautiful baby clothes packed away, diapers packed away for the next baby... there are still little reminders left around the house. Every time I open our silver wear drawer there are little baby spoons in there, sippy cups left in the cupboards, little bath travel sets in the drawer in the bathroom. 

Going to the store and seeing little baby girl's that are around the age that Maggie would be now is so hard, how I longed to have our beautiful baby girl with us, running errands and showing her off to people! Going to church and seeing all the little kids, babies, and expecting mothers... some days it is just too overwhelming. Having people ask me how I'm doing is suffocating, tiresome, and sometimes just plain annoying. Sometimes I just feel like saying, "how do you think I'm doing?" Don't get me wrong I love our church family and they are all wonderful people and I know they only want to help and be supportive, but sometimes I just need room and time to breath! 

Being the youth pastor's wife and going through this whole situation/nightmare in front of a congregation is exhausting and somedays are harder than others. I try to stay positive and be a great example of faith, but some days I just feel so broken and I don't have the strength to be strong and put on that happy face. Well yesterday was one of those days... I woke up to my monthly visitor, we had hoped to be expecting a baby. So waking up to that and texted JC who was already at church and saying, no baby just broke my heart. I cried but had my puppies here to cheer me up pretty fast. So I continued to get ready for church thinking I would be ok and that it would be good to be around people at church. Boy was I wrong, I was greeted by lots of people asking "how are you doing?" which is a perfectly normal question to ask... but it just rubbed me the wrong way. Then I was greeted by one of my friends who is about six months pregnant and she wanted to introduce me to her family who was in town so I smiled politely and said hello. This whole time all I wanted to do was get to JC, when I got about to five steps away from him I just started crying and said I don't know why I even came.  So we ended up leaving before the service even ended and spent the rest of the night in enjoying each other's company and watching our crazy puppies play together.

I am human, I'm imperfect,  I have many emotions, I'm broken and need God's Grace everyday and every step of the way in this crazy beeautiful life I am living. As each month passes I know that my heart will grow weary waiting for a new baby, so I just pray that God gives me the strength I need! 


Thursday, April 12, 2012

Calm My Anxious Heart Lord

Lately I have been finding myself being impatient and just tired, I'm sure part of that is due to our new little puppy! Man they are a lot of work, kind of like a little baby! Hopefully this will help us prepare for our next baby. 

My arms ache to hold our baby girl, my womb feels empty without a baby in it, my heart hurts with the pain of missing Maggie Grace so much, my mind is full of my pregnancy memories, and I am so anxious to make another baby.

I had a talk with God today before my work out as tears streamed down my face, I prayed out loud to him... something I don't do often but I guess I figured he would hear me better and it would seem more urgent if I spoke out loud! I asked him to give us another baby soon, and if it doesn't happen soon I prayed that he would prepare my heart and mind for that disappointment. 

Ever since I can remember I have always wanted to be a Mom, playing mom with my baby dolls growing up is a very strong memory of my childhood. I feel like God created me to be a Mom and to have my own children to love. Which in some ways I am a Mom, I carried Maggie Grace for the whole 9 months and gave birth to her, yet there is an empty void in me because I don't have my baby with me. Therefore I don't feel as though I am a mother. So my prayer every night as I lay in bed is that he would gift us with a healthy baby and protect them while in my womb. My heart is growing anxious to find out if/ when we are expecting another baby. I'm working on my patients which I know I have needed to work on, JC always tells me to be patient. It is very evident that through everything with Maggie Grace that God is working on my patients. I waited a whole nine months for Maggie Grace and now when we do get pregnant again with the next baby I need to wait another nine months. This is a true test to my patients and trusting the Lord and knowing that his time is perfect even though it is not my timing. 

"And so after waiting patiently, Abraham received what was promised." Hebrews 6:15

"But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently." Romans 8:25

"Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer." Romans 12:12

"I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear the Lord and put their trust in him." Psalm 40:1-3

So as I wait for our next baby I keep prayers to God on my lips and I have full confidence that he will gift us with healthy babies that we will get to keep here with us and love on!! Until that day we have our sweet puppies to help fill our void...


Zoey will always be my best bud! 
My beautiful Zoey girl!

Sweet puppies! 

Hi Zeke, he tilts his head just like his sister! 

Monday, April 9, 2012

Meet Zeke!

Well the Easter bunny brought us a wonderful present this year... a new puppy!! He is about 10 weeks old, he is a Border Collie/German Shepard mix... and we have decided to name him Zeke! So we now have Zoey and Zeke, they get along very well and have a ton of fun playing together and playing tug of war with their rope toys!! JC and I know that we have our hands full with a new member in our family, but we are ready for it and I personally feel like he will be a good distraction if we don't get pregnant right away! So here are some pics of our new baby Zeke and from this Easter weekend!


My Honey and I on Easter morning! 

Amazing Sunset Easter night!

Our boy Zeke

He likes to lay on our feet.

Playing tug of war!

Zoey having fun playing with her little brother!

Sweet green eyed boy!

Hi baby boy!

Big sister and little brother!

Out for a walk

Tired puppies after a walk and playing together! 

Me with the little boy!

Both Zeke and Zoey got baths today! He did good!

He smelt so good after his bath!

Sleepy boy!