I get it.

As I sit here on this rainy Tuesday morning, just sent the kids to their first "official" day of preschool (they've been going all summer, since mom works there.) I can't help but think about my Mama. 

Oh how I miss her so much, there are so many things I wish I could talk to her about & experiences I wish I could share with her. One of the biggest things I wish I could tell her is... I get it. Now that I'm a mommy myself, I get how tiring it is emotionally, physically somedays and just all around hard it is. I wish I could tell her, I now know why you didn't have energy to go run errands with me after you got home from work. I get why staying home on a Friday night sounded like perfection! Oh, Mama I wish you were here.

When I was younger and would picture myself becoming a mom, I never imagined in a million years that my Mom wouldn't be there to see that day. So many times during all of my pregnancies I would so wish I could pick up the phone and talk to her, ask her if how I was feeling was normal or if she ever felt that way. I would try to remember things she had told me about her pregnancies when I was growing up (it's much harder to recall now)if only I had kept notes growing up of all the things my Mama had said! 

I have discovered over the past several years how much it has and still does effect me to not have my Mom here. Especially when it comes to parenting, if only she was still here so I could pick her brain and ask for advice when it comes to parenting my two little rascals! I think JC & I do a decent job, but Mom's advice would have been nice to have. 

Being a motherless- mom... it's a tough role in this life to have, one that I never thought I would have to play. One that I struggle with from time to time and one that hits really hard somedays more than others. I am so thankful and feel so blessed to have had the Mom I did growing up. I can only hope that I can carry on her legacy of her crazy all consuming love for her kids to my own family and kids.

Mama--- I so get it now; the undeniable love for your own children, when mama bear needs to come out to protect them, when crazy mama needs to come out to discipline them, when comforting mama needs to come out because they need some extra cuddles and love somedays, when mama just needs to get a band aid (even though the scratch on their leg isn't actually bleeding) to make it fee l better. Oh how I now get it... I wish I could share these things with you. 

So here is to the motherless Mom's out there... I see you, I understand, know that God has you, and that you have mama friends out there that can be your support!! Don't be afraid of admitting on those really hard days that you need some extra support! Now, I'm going to wipe up these therapeutic tears and get ready for my work day! Blessings to you friends!

XOXO Bee

My Dream of Number 3.

Ever since I was little and dreamed of being a mommy three was always the number I dreamed about! Three babies to love and watch grow up, three babies to teach about Jesus, three babies to hold and cuddle. You get the point, in my heart three was really the only option of how many babies to have. God has blessed me enough to carry and be a mommy to 4 babies, only two with me here on earth.

The day that Micah was born was the day the doctor told me no more babies. my uterus had been through a lot in a short period of time and as a result was too thin to be able to carry another baby. It has taken me over 3 years to write about this because I'm still struggling with this news myself. As a women it is SO terribly hard to be told that you can no longer carry babies, that this option is taken away from you. 
Oh how my mommy heart aches to carry another baby & feel that little baby squirm in my belly. JC and I have talked about foster to adopt but I'm not sure if that is the path that God is going to put us on or not. Part of me feels so selfish for wanting another baby when I have two beautiful and healthy babies of my own. 
There is always that thought in the back of my mind of number 3, I feel like our family is not complete yet. I don't know if I will always feel this way just because we do have two babies in Heaven or if God really has another baby for us. 
Today I felt God urge me to write these feelings down as I laid next to my babies as they napped and my tears starting running down my face as I thought once again that Micah would be the last baby that I carry. 
Oh how I wish that I could know now if God does have another baby for the Barber family or not. I pray that God will give me the knowledge and confidence to do what He sees fit for our family. I also know that I need to pray for patience as I wait for Him to lead me in the way to go. 

I guess I just wanted to put this post out there so that anyone else who may feel this way can know that they are not alone. Being a mother is the single greatest thing I have and will do in my life. I am so unbelievably grateful that God has "borrowed" us these two beautiful and rambunctious babies of ours. That He saw JC and I fit to be their parents, I will forever be grateful and in awe. 
I know that my story is not one of infertility & it could never compare... but to those women I see you, I pray for you and that the Lord would bring you peace.
I may not know what the future holds for us, but I do know what my mommy heart feels and aches for. I will continue to trust God and His plan for our future.


XOXO Bee  

Summer Happenings!

Wow! Where has the time gone... I can't believe summer is coming to an end. I thought I would just put up a quick picture post with some of the fun things we did this summer! I'm really hoping to get more writing in now, especially since I got a new computer... yay! We have had a fun summer with a lot of little adventures and one big one... going to my family cabin in Michigan for a week! We so enjoyed our time there with my brother, sister in law and their sweet kiddos! JC was happy to finally have a vacation for the first time in about 3 years! So here are some pics from our summer, hope you are all enjoying your summers!

XOXO Bee

Started our summer by going back to International Falls, it was a fun weekend & so great to see our church family again! 

I completed my first half marathon!

Kylie got her first real haircut!

We went to the rhubarb festival in Duluth

Beautiful sunset at the cabin

Waiting to fed a hippo at the awesome zoo we visited! 

Ready to catch the big one

Fun building sand castles with daddy!

Cute cousins on the 4th of July!

All patriotic for the 4th! 

Sister love

Girls in pink

He's my favorite

Enjoyed time by the big lake at home

A little day adventure in our cute little town

Tried a new restaurant 

Celebrated 8 years married to my best friend! 

Raspberry picking

Brought cousin Clay to help pick them

Trip to the dentist to get those lil teeth checked

Getting some runs in with my pup!

Poppy girl turned 1

At the Irish Fest

JC "ran" a 0k with me... I think that'll be the only race I can convince him to run with me.

12 yrs JC + Bee

12 years of living life with my best friend, love of my life! The years have flown by and we now have 2 beautiful children, a place to call home, a puppy & a love that continues to grow every day! Thank you honey for loving me through all the ups & downs this life has thrown our way! I can not imagine doing life with anyone else, you are my biggest supporter & I'm so thankful! I love you to pluto & back!! 

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The Waves of Grief.

Grief... what a sea of emotions it can be. If you have ever lost anyone in your life or know someone who has, you are probably well aware of the waves that grief comes in. 

Well most people are familiar with the 5 stages of grief that most people go through when they lose a loved ones; denial,anger, bargaining, depression & acceptance. 
I for one can tell you that these stages all take different forms, timelines, and emotions for each individual person. After I lost my Mom, it took me about 3 years to truly become angry about what had happened. I didn't try to push it aside, it was just an emotion or stage that I guess took me longer to reach than the other ones.  

While these stages can help people deal with their lose and track where they are in the grief process... grief is so much more than stages. It is a raw, emotional state that will come and go with time. Some days will be harder than others, some months will be, some holidays will be harder, but take heart that those emotional waves will subside and the sun will shine again... I promise. Having gone through losing my Mom, my firstborn child at 41 weeks stillborn and miscarrying my second baby at 16 weeks I have been through the grieving process and have felt those waves of grief hit me with full force. I have cried so hard that my heart literally felt like it was breaking, not being able to catch my breath. I have been there.. I continue to have those moments. My friends I have been there, but guess what? Time does go on, you will laugh again, you will smile while thinking about your loved one without tears. That big sea of grief will subside and the waves will calm. 

I don't believe that grief is something that ever goes away or really something that should. Grief, as hard, raw and emotional as it can be is there as a reminder of the loved one you lost, of how much you love them and their impact on your life. This year was my 8th Christmas without my Mom here with us and I spent some time Christmas eve thinking of my sweet Mama, crying about the thought of never celebrating another Christmas (or any holiday) again with her. Grief stole part of the Christmas joy for me this year... but my Kylie was here to remind me that we will see "Grandma honey" again. 

Oh the sweet blessing of my Faith in my God and that we will all be reunited again someday in heaven, friends I can tell you that if I didn't have my Faith to lean on I truly don't know how I could carry on in this life. 
"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds" Psalm 147:3
I know that Jesus helps heal my wounds of the loses in my life. Does this mean that I don't get sad or cry about my sweet babies or Mama absolutely not. God makes grief bearable, He makes the promise of seeing your loved ones once again, He makes this life worth living and gives the peace that surpassing all understanding and the strength to carry you when you don't feel like continuing on.

I guess what I am trying to say is to embrace grief, the stages, be patient with yourself and know that this too shall pass. Trust yourself, embrace your emotions, and cry out to the one who created you, He hears your cries & knows your pain. God wants you to cry to Him, he wants to be the shelter that you seek, He wants to be the source of strength that gets you through the day. Friends, God wants you. Plain and simple. 

I want you to know that if you are walking through the grief journey, you are not alone. As unfortunate as it is  once you've lost a loved one grief becomes part of your life. I warn you not to be consumed by it but to embrace it and let it go (kind of like the waves of the sea) allow it to help you heal and remember your loved ones. 

XOXO Bee

Flash Back

I'm feeling a little nostalgic lately... so I thought I would share some old pics with y'all! Happy Friday and I hope you have a great weekend, my friends!!

XOXO Bee

Young love... college days in Chicago! 

Best day of my life... Marrying my best friend!!

Little peanut Kylie at 2months old!

Daddy love!

Kylie's 1st Birthday!

Newborn Micah Jacob!

Awe my little babies!! 

Our last fall living in New Hampshire.