Tuesday, February 28, 2012


My Mom was an amazing women of God, she is the reason why I am the person I am today! She was the kind of person who everyone knew and loved, her smile could brighten up a room and her hugs were so loving! She was known as Grandma Honey and loved her grand kids with her whole heart. She was the Mom who you could always go to for advice, everyday when I left the house she always told me to say my prayers (something her Mom instilled in her). She taught us to treat people the way we wanted to be treated. My love of baking comes from her and those are some of my fondest memories with her! To know me is to know a part of my Mom, and I am honored to be her daughter and carry on her legacy!

Two years ago today she took her own life, a day I will never forget and one I wish never happened. She had struggled with depression for years, but never let anyone know how bad it had gotten, none of us saw this coming. That day my Dad lost his love, my brothers, sister in-laws and JC & I lost our Mom, My nephews and niece lost their Grandma Honey, her parents lost their daughter, her siblings lost a sister, her nieces and nephews lost their Auntie Maggie and the world lost a bright shinning star. I remember that day as if it were yesterday.

JC and I were going to go pick out tuxes for our wedding since it was only a short 5 months away! I went to say goodbye to my Mom before we left, she was still asleep so I didn't want to wake her. I remember thinking that she was very still and I turned around to look at her one more time before I left the room. JC and I went on our way to run our errands for the day (he was in town from Chicago just for the weekend). I received the worst phone call of my life while I was at a stop light, it was my dad on the other end "it looks like Mom killed herself." I just burst into tears and yelled WHAT?! and said I would be home right away.

I pulled into a parking lot, JC was driving our other car behind me. I got out of the car sobbing and blurted out what my Dad had just told me. JC just held me, got me in the car and we starting driving to the house. As we turned the corner I remember seeing a lot polices cars in front of our house, I felt like I was going to throw up. We got out of the car, I hugged my brother Brian and then went to find my Dad who was sitting in a car trying to stay warm. He still had the house phone in his hand and the first thing he said to me was "Oh honey, How could Mom do this? I'm going to be so lonely." I have never seen my Dad this broke and sad in my life, and I never want to see him like that again! 

The next week is a blur of waking up in tears and reliving that horrible day. As we struggled to understand why she would do this and why now. We all relied on our faith in God and knowing her strong faith in the Lord, we know that she is in Heaven! This brought us comfort in knowing that she was not hurting any more and she had no more worries. 

As the months went by I missed my Mom so much, especially because I was now left with planning the rest of my wedding without her. I was thankful that she and I were able to pick out my wedding dress together, that is a special memory I will never forget. JC worked extra hours to make sure that I had the wedding day I had always dreamed of, and I am so thankful for all he did. Our wedding was beautiful, but I couldn't help but miss my Mom that day and wishing she could be there with us. I know that she was looking down on us and she made sure that we had a beautiful sunny day, we got married outside in a garden! 
Wedding Day with my Mom shinning on me!

The Family on our Wedding Day!

As the time has gone by the hurt has been easier to deal with but it is still hard and I miss her everyday! I rejoice in knowing that she is reunited with her Mom and she gets to enjoy our little Maggie Grace (her name sake)! Here are some pictures of us as I grew up and some of my favorite pictures with her!

xoxox Bee
After one of my dance recitals
Mom and I

Sunday, February 26, 2012

Thankful to be an Auntie

Even though I miss my Maggie Grace and wish she was here every single day... I am thankful to be an auntie and have little ones to love!! Each and everyone of my nephews and niece, I have loved only the way an auntie can love since the day they were born! They are SO special and important to me! I am honored to be their auntie and watch them grow up and grow in their faith!! 

At his first Football Game with Auntie Bee!

Gavin Nicolas
December 4th 2002 

Ian David
September 22nd 2004
Ian & Auntie Bee
Clay William
June 19th 2006
Clay & Auntie Bee

William Michael
January 14th 2007
Will & Auntie Bee

Ryleigh Grace
January 12th 2010
Ryleigh & Auntie Bee

Orrin Robert
 February 19th 2010 

Ori & Auntie Bee

Cameron Ray
August 27th 2010

Cam & Auntie Bee

xoxo Bee

Thursday, February 23, 2012

No More...

As Jc and I traveled down to the cities today for Grandma's funeral tomorrow, I started thinking that I can't wait until I don't have to say goodbye (or see you later) to people I love.

 I can't wait until I am in a place where there are no more tears, no more losing people, no more being sad, no more being angry, no more waiting, no more feeling physical pain, no more judgmental people, no more emotional pain, no more feeling helpless. 

I look forward to the day when there will be no more saying see you later only saying hello to my loved ones! I look forward to the day that I can call Heaven home! 

"The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me besides quite waters, he refreshes my soul." Psalm 23:1-2

"Surely your goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever." Psalm 23:5

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Created in God's Design

Have you ever really thought about the fact that God created you. I mean really thought  about that, he knew your whole life story before you were born! "Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations." Jeremiah 1:5 To me this is absolutely amazing and something that is so difficult to get my mind wrapped around! That God the creator of Heaven and Earth would design me by hand is just incredible to think about, isn't it?! 

As I have experienced many great losses in my life the past two years, it has made me wonder how I can handle all these losses. The more I think about it the more I am convinced that God creates us all with different types of strength to deal with certain kinds of hurt in our lives. I believe that since God knows our life story before we are born, he designs us with the strength that we need to get through the hurt that our life will have. This is my own theory, however I believe that our God loves us so much that he wants us to reach out to him in the difficult times in our life and fully rely on him. When fully relying on him, he will grant us peace and strength to survive the losses and hurt in our life.

You may ask why would a God who loves us so much allow us to experience such loss and hurt in our lives. I believe that we experience these losses and hurt to make up stronger as people but also in our faith. I know that personally I would not be able to make it through my losses and hurt without my faith in God. Without that faith, I would not have the hope in knowing I will see my baby girl, my Mom, my Grandma, and many other family members in Heaven! "Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see." Hebrews 11:1 It is also with this faith that I know JC and I will be blessed with children in God's timing!  I know that everything that happens is in God's plan, that he is not surprised by anything that happens and that he loves us as his children.

 A saying that JC and I hold dear to that our pastor Melissa taught us is: "I don't believe that everything happens for a reason, but I do believe that God creates reason out of everything that happens."  This is a great comfort to us, and has become something that we live by.

As much as it hurt to lose our precious Maggie Grace, both JC and I take refuge and know that God is and will continue to use her story to further his kingdom! We know that her life as short as it was, was not a waste. God created her in is design and I am thankful that I was able to carry her for nine months, that I had/ have the privilege to be her Mommy and love her everyday, she will remain in my heart forever and always! 

xoxox Bee

Thursday, February 16, 2012


Yesterday JC did a message on Job for the youth group. As I listened to him speak about all the things Job lost; his livestock, home, all ten of his children, his wife left, and he became covered in boils. I couldn't help but feel like Job, especially of late. 

Tuesday was Valentine's day and that morning I was so sad thinking about how much I was looking forward to dressing Maggie up in a cute outfit for her daddy. I can't help but think about what she would look like now being over a month old. I miss her everyday but I know she is at peace and in the arms of her Lord and of course her Grandma Honey (my mom). As I write this I just received news that my Grandma Tuccitto just passed away, she is my mom's mother. Heaven has gained another angel today and I can rejoice in knowing that my mom is finally reunited with her mom! 

As I sit here thinking about the days I spent at Grandma's house, all the nights spent with her and falling asleep to her counting my ribs and loving me the only way a Grandma can love her grandchild. I just feel so broken and tired of feeling so broken and in some ways hopeless. When will the good days come? When will good news come our way? Again feeling like Job and wondering why God is taking so many things away so close together! " The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised." Job 1:21 I feel as though I have no tears left to cry, my heart is broken and sad. However I know that God will create good from all that has happened! The following is my life verse and one that I hold dear to my heart especially in times when I feel hopeless.

"For I know the plans I have for you." declares the Lord, " plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you HOPE and a FUTURE." Jeremiah 29:11

So I know that God has a plan and his plan is perfect. Like in the story of Job, even though many things have been taken from me I will not curse the name of the Lord. I will keep my eyes on him and my faith in him. For blessed be the name of the Lord! 

Sunday, February 12, 2012

Still Healing

Today is Sunday, so JC and I headed out the door early this morning to be there for the early service (8am, way too early in my opinion) JC thought it would be a good idea to stand in front of the congregation and share the story of our Maggie Grace. We wanted them to hear from us what happened and how we are coping spiritually and emotionally. We did the same with the youth group this past Wednesday. As JC told the story at both services, the tears rolled down my face and I relived that day and how we lost our little girl. The pain of that day is still very real and fresh but our hope is always restored as we imagine the day we get to be with her in Heaven! 

Last night JC and I talked about what our little girl would look like in Heaven... I imagine her being a cute little 4 year old girl with light brown curly hair with a little barrette in it and an adorable dress and being eager to play with mommy. JC imagines her being an 18 year old who he can have conversations with and relate to. I think we have different ideas based on the ages we feel most comfortable with. No matter what she will look like, we both look forward to seeing our beautiful little girl!

Last night I took a bath, while I was in there I missed my big pregnant belly and seeing my little girl move. I ran my fingers over my stretch marks on my belly thinking about how much love I have for my little girl and thinking about the future babies that will grow in my tummy. 

I am trying to be patient with my body healing, but all I want to do is sit ups to get rid of my belly! I still have about two weeks of recovery until I see my doctor for my six week check up. So I am not suppose to do heavy exercising  or lift anything heavier than ten pounds. But I am itching to get going and loss my "baby weight"... I've got about 20 pounds to lose. Of course I want to speed this whole process up, so I can get pregnant again but I have to keep reminding myself it's all in God's timing. The Lord is defiantly working on my patients, and I know that I need to work on being more patient! 

As we head into this week I am excited for my first "Apples of Gold" http://www.applesofgold.org/ Bible study tomorrow with some wonderful ladies from the church. I am excited to learn how to cook meals, be in the word and grow as a woman and a wife! And of coarse I am excited for Valentine's Day, I think we are just staying home and enjoying the day together... no big plans, but I am totally ok with that!! 

xoxoxo Bee

Friday, February 10, 2012

Rearranging with a Thankful Heart

Yesterday I spent most of my day taking care of my sweet sick husband. The other part of my day was spent unpacking our bags from being at my Dad's house down in the cities for the past 3 weeks. As I unpacked the bags I decided it was a god time to rearrange our closet and refold clothes. 

As I sorted through my shirts, I pulled my maternity shirts out to put in another room. My heart was sadden as I was replaying moments of seeing my little girl moving in my tummy when wearing these shirts. But a part of me was excited thinking about wearing these shirts again with a new little baby growing inside of me! I find myself going back and forth between these emotions of missing Maggie Grace so much and being excited about having another baby.

As I continued with my cleaning of our room and making JC lunch, I feel thankful for having someone to take care of even if it isn't my baby girl. My heart ached seeing JC so sick and uncomfortable, I just prayed that his fever would break and he would feel better soon. I was glad that I was physically able to  take care of him, because I felt so helpless the last two months of my pregnancy because my lower back hurt so much. As I made dinner for us I just thought about what a kind and loving heart my husband has. He literally waited on me hand and foot the last two months of my pregnancy and gave me nightly back rubs! So I took care of him with a thankful heart. I thank God everyday for blessing with such an amazing man of God who loves me for who I am and knowing me better than I know myself! JC makes this journey called life much easier to walk through. 

Today I cleaned the rest of the house and found myself wondering what my day would have been like having Maggie here. The house is so quite, I long to hear her cry and be the one to make her stop crying. Today my heart was hurting and aching for my baby girl all I wanted to do was hold her in my arms and kiss her sweet head. I missed her so much today, I have empty arms and an empty womb, It's days like today that I feel so empty and lost without my Maggie Grace. It's hard to feel like a mother, even though I am without having her with me. Even as I write this tears are falling down my face, I can't help but be sad. I have my good days and my bad days, today was a bad day.

 Even though it was a bad day I am thankful for as silly as this my sound... my puppy Zoey. She followed me around the house yesterday and today only being two steps behind me and think she can sense my broken heart and know that her company makes be happy. I am thankful for this little ball of fur, she has gotten me through many hard times during her short 3 years of life!

Looking forward to spending time with our church family tomorrow!

xoxo Bee

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Maggie Grace Barber

It's about 3 o'clock on January 8th 2012, I am 41 weeks pregnant and trying to take a nap because I will be going into the hospital at 6 o'clock that evening to get induced. I am anxious and excited to met my baby girl! I end up getting up from my nap earlier than I wanted to because as I lay there and push on my belly I can't seem to get her to move, which was not like my little girl. I felt her move early that morning around 7, when I was still trying to sleep. So I get out of bed in a panic and tell JC (My husband) that we need to go to the hospital early to make sure baby is still ok. So we leave the house in a bit of a hurry, not the way I wanted to be leaving... I give my puppy Zoey a kiss on the head and say good bye to her. 

We get to the hospital around 3:30, they were expecting us but not quit this early. They get me hooked up with the monitors and we find baby's heartbeat easily and I'm relieved to hear my baby girl's heartbeat! They assure JC and I that baby seems to be doing fine, they take me off the monitors and tell JC he can go get me some dinner. So JC leaves to get dinner, fed Zoey, and stop by the church to tell his youth group what is going on. While he is gone, they decided to put the monitors back on my belly because they were concerned about her heart rate. So that gets me worried... by the time JC got back (he wasn't gone even an hour) they tell me I can't have the dinner he just picked up for me and that I was going in for an emergency C-seciton. 

Instant panic came over me, I began to shake and tears came streaming down my face. The nurse tried to console me as they gave me an oxygen mask and tells me to try and stay calm. How could I stay calm?! This day was turning out much different than I had anticipated it going! My sweet Doctor, Dr.Crossley comes in to explain what they are planning on doing and that we need to get the baby out quickly because her heart rate was getting too low. The entire time this is all happening my sweet husband is by my side loving me and trying his best to keep me calm. They tell us there is a possibility they may have to put me under during the c-section and if that happens JC was not allowed into the operating room. Panic came over me again, I can't do this without him! 

So they get me set up in a wheelchair to bring me down to the operating room, before we leave the room I tell JC he needs to say a prayer, so he does his best to say a quick prayer before they take me into surgery. He is by my side as they push me to the elevator. I give him one last kiss and wave to him as the doors close. Once we get down to the operating room, they try to give me the epidural but it doesn't work and they need to get baby out as fast as possible. So they have to put me under, panic comes over me again... my mind races as I go to lay down on the operating table. I wasn't worried about baby, I was just praying that everything would be ok. The last thing I remember is breathing in the gas... and then blackness. 

The next thing I remember is waking up in a lot of pain and looking at JC and my doctor. I ask about the baby and I just see my sweet doctor, her eyes filled with tears she shakes her head no and says the baby didn't make it. I want you all to know that I was on a lot of drugs and not thinking clearly at this point. My first response as I looked at JC was "I guess Zoey ( our dog) will have to be our little girl for a little longer." Now looking back I feel so stupid that that was my response to hearing that we lost the baby. I had a very weird sense of peace about the whole thing immediately, however that could have been partly due to the drugs! 

That night is a blur for me, I was in and out of sleep and still in a lot of pain from the c-section. I remember watching the clock, waiting for my family to get there. My oldest sister in law Shannon would be getting there around 3am and my brother Brad and his wife Whitney along with my Dad would be getting there around 5 or 6 am. 

I remember seeing Shannon walk into my room, her eyes filled with tears. She gave me a kiss on the cheek and I told her that I had peace about what happened. She said that she knew I did. Then I drifted back to sleep, the next person I remember coming in was my Dad... his eyes were also filled with tears. But all I was thinking was that his hair looked goofy because it was sticking up funny from him sleeping on it. So I poked fun at that... this whole time I didn't shed a tear due to my physical pain, drugs, and shock. Looking at how I reacted to seeing my family I believe God protected me from feeling an overwhelming sense of loss. He allowed me to ease my way into my grief and pain, and for that I am thankful.

The next morning I slightly remember my doctor coming in to see me. She explained to me more in depth about what had happened to our sweet girl. When I first checked into the hospital I was having braxton hicks contractions (I had been having these on and off for about a month now) when they hooked me up to the monitors they could see that every time I had a contraction her heart rate would dip low. So they knew that she would not survive during a vaginal delivery, therefore they decided I needed a c-seciton and they needed to get the baby out as fast as possible. 

When they pulled her out they discovered that she had had a stool while still in the womb, they guested she may have been in the stool for a few days because of how thick the substance that now covered her was. Our sweet Maggie Grace had swallowed so much of this substance that she was unable to take her first breath. Her heart beat only a few times. The doctors and nurses worked on her for a half an hour, but were unable to revive her. 

As I heard the details of how our sweet girl had passed away, my heart sank. The only comfort I received from the words the doctor said, was that this situation was very rare and that it would not complicate any future pregnancies. A few days later we received some other information that gave us more peace about the situation. They sent the placenta away to be examined and they discovered pockets through out the placenta that had died. (again something else that is very rare) This happened through out the pregnancy and may have been due to my high blood pressure, but it is hard to be sure of what caused that to happen. JC asked the doctor, if Maggie had survived birth what would her quality of life have been? She said that because spots of the placenta had died Maggie was not receiving as much blood and oxygen to her brain that she should have. Therefore there is a good chance that she may have had CP and many developmental delays... she may have only lived a few days or years but her quality of life would not have been good. 

Hearing this we were thankful that God had spared us the pain of seeing our daughter suffer and that his grace saved her from feeling pain and suffering. 

She was received into Heaven with open arms by her grandma (my mom) Maggie who she was named after. Her name Maggie Grace which is so fitting was chosen at week 20, the day we found out she was a girl.