How do We say Goodbye... Again

Picture I took of the sunset Friday night driving to the
hospital. Trying to find God's beauty among the dark times.

Here we are once again saying goodbye to another one of our beloved babies. I am writing this with a heavy heart. Friday afternoon we went to the doctor's for a routine OB check up and the doctor could not find the baby's heartbeat so they sent us off to a hospital an hour and a half south of the Falls to get an ultrasound done to make sure that baby was ok. When we arrived we were swiftly brought to the ultrasound room and I laid down on the table saw the baby, but no movement and the tech was very quite so I knew baby was gone but when he actually confirmed it by saying it out loud it hit me like a ton of bricks!

Seriously.... AGAIN?!!! What the *&$#% are you doing God? I don't get it... I don't want to go through this again. Even in the middle of all this I felt bad for this tech who had to tell us this horrible news after we had just shared with him about our Maggie Grace. As the reality set in the tears just flowed from both mine and JC's eyes... JC apologized for this happening again (not him I am upset with, but my sweet love said the words that came to his heart first) How fresh this all seems to us after losing our first sweet baby almost a year ago, I think this numbed part of the harsh pain of it all in that moment.

They proceeded to check me in to the ER that night to see if I would "expel" the baby, well I sit here  still pregnant your guess is correct I have not expelled the baby yet. As I went through an entire day yesterday of pitocin and nothing happening, my body/or and the baby doesn't want to let go yet. So today (Sunday) we were sent from the hospital in Virginia to a hospital in Minneapolis to see experts and get everything taken care of. So tonight we are sleeping at my dad's house and will be going to a clinic in Minneapolis at 12:30, to see what the plan is for taking care of this baby. There are many complications that can some with a procedure like the one I need done, because I have not dilated and I may not dilate they could possibly tear my uterus, which would really stink because that means really no more babies or possible tearing of my bowel or something else. Now after hearing about all the complications you would think I would want to be put under... but I don't because I have so many bad memories of being put out with Maggie and on top of it I have been extremely sick and still am fighting strep and an ear infection so I am not sure if they would want to put me under. If you think of it tomorrow please pray for JC and I as we go through another hard lose in our life, for the doctor's and for our peace of mind.

That is all I have for tonight, I will try and keep you all posted as much as possible.

XOXO Bee

This video is one that JC brought to my attention tonight and I don't think it could sum up how we are feeling right now any better.