As my head was spinning with so many emotions it was difficult to separate them out and figure out what was really bothering me; not being able to fit into my clothes, having to sacrifice my body for a baby I didn't get to keep, missing my mom so much wishing she was here with me, not understanding why we had to give our baby up when there are so many people in this world that are drug addicts and have babies they get to keep, people that scream at their kids in public... just so many people in the world that don't seem to care about their kids. When here JC and I are strong christians, good people, we would have cared for that baby so much, we love her so much it hurts.... yet we have no baby, she did not get to stay with us. Just being so angry I just wanted to scream out WHY God I don't understand your reasoning!!
All of these things seemed to be bothering me and came crashing down on me like a heavy wave pushing me deeper and deeper down. Now was the evil one at work here, I have no doubt he was there filling my mind with lies. But yesterday I felt so unbelievable human, broken, hopeless, sad, angry that it hurt. My eyes ached from crying so hurt, my heart hurt from all the sorrow that has filled my life the past two years.
JC and I decided we weren't going to go to the dinner, as much as I wanted to go I just could not imagine going and trying to put on a happy smiling face when that is the furthest from how I was feeling. I just wanted to stay under the covers and hide from the world and people, JC let me take a nap for awhile and had dinner ready for me when I woke up. He is such an incredible man and just gets me and what I need when I need it most! I could not imagine my life without him, he loves me when I am at my lowest, builds me up when I need it, and most importantly walks next to me hand in hand in the darkest moments in life!
As much as I try to be upbeat and positive about life, somedays I just need to be broken, cry, scream, and ask the question of why. I know that my God loves me and that our hopes and dreams will be restored! Before I drifted off to sleep last night I asked JC to say a prayer for our future babies, and he prayed just what was on my heart. I fell asleep with my hope being restored in JC's words, and the joy of thinking about creating another baby together!
Friday was a good day, I brought my friend Laura some birthday cupcakes and a present. We chatted about life and my hope about getting pregnant sooner than later, I enjoy spending time with her and her adorable little girls! I am thankful for our friendship and glad I have found a friend here in town! That night we went to see The Hunger Games and the movie did not disappoint, it was great and very true to the book! Last night I ordered the next two books and I can't wait to read them and find out how the trilogy ends, it will be hard to wait for the next two movies to come out!
This week I am looking forward to working, hopefully going to look at a few houses to rent, working out, spending time with JC and hopefully having better days then worse days!
|I had my wedding ring resized and it returned to me on friday (the diamond was my mom's and means the world to me!)|
|Enjoying warm tea before bed last night!! (wet hair and no makeup on, me in my truest form!)|
|Laura's Birthday cupcakes!|
|Love waking up to my sweet puppy's face!|