Everywhere I look wether it be in the grocery store, at home, at church, on Facebook... I see reminders of our little girl, reminders of a life hoped for with her.
Maggie Grace was suppose to be the new, exciting, happy little gift for our families. She was that little person we hoped for, dreamed of, longed for and waited anxiously for nine whole months to meet! So when January 8th came our families lost that hope, our dreams went up in smoke and that little person that we waited to anxiously for was gone. Oh how I wish I could have met our precious Maggie Grace!
Even now after her room has been cleaned out and repainted, precious beautiful baby clothes packed away, diapers packed away for the next baby... there are still little reminders left around the house. Every time I open our silver wear drawer there are little baby spoons in there, sippy cups left in the cupboards, little bath travel sets in the drawer in the bathroom.
Going to the store and seeing little baby girl's that are around the age that Maggie would be now is so hard, how I longed to have our beautiful baby girl with us, running errands and showing her off to people! Going to church and seeing all the little kids, babies, and expecting mothers... some days it is just too overwhelming. Having people ask me how I'm doing is suffocating, tiresome, and sometimes just plain annoying. Sometimes I just feel like saying, "how do you think I'm doing?" Don't get me wrong I love our church family and they are all wonderful people and I know they only want to help and be supportive, but sometimes I just need room and time to breath!
Being the youth pastor's wife and going through this whole situation/nightmare in front of a congregation is exhausting and somedays are harder than others. I try to stay positive and be a great example of faith, but some days I just feel so broken and I don't have the strength to be strong and put on that happy face. Well yesterday was one of those days... I woke up to my monthly visitor, we had hoped to be expecting a baby. So waking up to that and texted JC who was already at church and saying, no baby just broke my heart. I cried but had my puppies here to cheer me up pretty fast. So I continued to get ready for church thinking I would be ok and that it would be good to be around people at church. Boy was I wrong, I was greeted by lots of people asking "how are you doing?" which is a perfectly normal question to ask... but it just rubbed me the wrong way. Then I was greeted by one of my friends who is about six months pregnant and she wanted to introduce me to her family who was in town so I smiled politely and said hello. This whole time all I wanted to do was get to JC, when I got about to five steps away from him I just started crying and said I don't know why I even came. So we ended up leaving before the service even ended and spent the rest of the night in enjoying each other's company and watching our crazy puppies play together.
I am human, I'm imperfect, I have many emotions, I'm broken and need God's Grace everyday and every step of the way in this crazy beeautiful life I am living. As each month passes I know that my heart will grow weary waiting for a new baby, so I just pray that God gives me the strength I need!