Where to begin... I can't believe I have not blogged in over a week. Let me tell you that I have been through many emotions lately! Going into this weekend I had many things running through my mind, Dad getting remarried, meeting Mary's kids for the first time, waiting to see if we were pregnant, and Mother's Day (which has been an awful day ever since Mom has passed away.)
Friday morning I woke up and took a pregnancy test a day early to see if we were expecting so I could prepare myself for the wedding the next day. It was negative, I believe God had prepared my heart for that. We have been so busy and I have been stressed out a lot lately with the moving in three days and just a ton on my plate.... so part of me wasn't surprised that I wasn't pregnant. Still very disappointing having to wait a whole other month to conceive again. Then the rest of the morning I would just look at myself in the mirror and hate how I looked. I just felt fat and upset that I still look this way and no new baby growing inside me made it even worse. But I picked myself up like I always do and went to meet Tammy (my work mom) and Dani ( one of my BFF's) for lunch. It was wonderful to see them, and they just poured encouraging words into me and turned my day right around! SO thankful to have friends like these two in my life!
Saturday was wedding day! It was a beautiful day outside, perfect for a wedding on a boat cruising down the St.Croix river... Minnesota is so beautiful! I woke up, showered and had some alone time with my daddy before all the craziness started! It was great just sitting at the kitchen table chatting with him (something that has become a normal thing to do with him, but 2 years a go never happened.) I am thankful for my Daddy and the strong man of God that he is and I am thankful for Mary and how happy she makes him! Then JC and I headed to Brian and Shannon's to get ready for the wedding! It was fun to watch Shannon do Ryleigh's hair, watch the boys it dressed up and get their hair all spiked up! As a did my hair and make up I tried to remind myself not to get caught up in the way I looked. But once that dress went on I just felt plain fat and unattractive. I tried not to complain to JC, because I know that he hates it when I complain about the way I look. When we got to the boat I felt exposed, I have never ever been this heavy for a family function like this before... so I just felt fat and it's hard for me to look at pictures from that day. I broke down crying before the service started, I was just thinking about Mom and I how much I wished she was there. Sweet little Ryleigh was in my lap when I was crying and turned around and in her sweet voice asked "why you crying?" love her so much! The wedding service was beautiful and it was a beautiful day.
Sunday was my absolute break down just want to give up on life day. I got my monthly visitor that day and all I could hear was "If God is a loving God why would he take my Mom and then take my first born child away?" That's all that kept going through my mind, the hurt and the pain was all I could feel, in that moment all I wanted was for that pain and anger toward God to go away. JC told me he loved me and I said I know but that won't make the pain go away, for the first time every when he hugged me, I felt nothing. The two hours that I just sobbed and could only feel pain were the scariest two hours of my life, I was no longer Bee. I had been taken over by something evil, something that filled my heart with rage and anger towards God. I just felt so completely broken, so completely hopeless, like my life didn't matter any more, I didn't want to carry on... what was the point if all I was going to feel was pain? I'm sure this is similar to how my Mom felt before she took her own life. Something snapped me out of it for the most part and I was able to go on with my day. I am thankful to my loving husband who I am sure prayed for me that entire time, thankful to God for pulling me out of that thought process.
I am still feeling very weak and on edge, so I talked to my doctor and I am going back on depression medicine. I know myself well enough to know when I need help from medicine and right now I just need that as a little bit of a boost. I am still struggling with God right now and still a little bit anger with him and I feel bad and guilty for feeling this way and for admitting that this is how I feel. He is my God and I know that he has big plans for my life, but right now in this moment in time I am just hurt, wounded, and upset. I am still trying to wrap my head around why a loving God, someone who cares about me would allow such pain and sorrow to happen in my life... SO much hurt in ONLY 2 years! I am sure this pain will never fully go away but I know that with time it will become more dull. When I have the next baby in my arms, alive, I will feel like all my hurt and pain was all worth being able to keep our baby.
I know that for every tear I cry in sadness, God will match that with tears of joy, I know that I must be patient for the next baby, I know that my God loves me, I know that he will fill the empty spot in my heart, I know that I have a beautiful future ahead of me. I know all these things, but the hard part is sitting here in the middle of having to wait for all these good things to happen. I know it will be worth it, I just pray that God gives me the strength to get to that moment in time when I am holding my beautiful baby alive in my arms!
You created me, you know my heart, you know my desires, you know how much a long to be a mother. God I just lift all these things that are heavy on my heart up to you. Lord, I can not do these things alone and I can not handle them any more, so please hear them, take them, and lift them off of my heavy and weary shoulders. Lord, I am flawed, I am weak, I am angry, I am tired, I am sick of feeling this way, take it away! Fill me with hope, love, peace, and strength! Give me courage to carry on when all I can feel or see is darkness. I give it all up to you.
I weep with grief; encourage me by your word. Keep me from lying to myself; give me the privilege of knowing your law. I have chosen to be faithful; I have determined to live by your law. Psalm 119:28-30
You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book. Psalm 56:8