Monday, May 28, 2012

Being Molded.

One of the joys of being human and especially a christian is that you are constantly being molded, learning new things, and being transformed every single day! As I look back on the last two years of my life I have not only grown up, I have also grown in my faith and my relationship with my God is stronger today then it every has been! I have been blessed with wonderful people in my life who have walked beside me, cried with me, and have lifted both JC and myself up in prayer... which makes being molded that much easier!

Trying to learn who God has created you to be is such a wonderful feeling. Knowing that you have a Heavenly Father who cares for you and only wants the best for you is such a comfort! I believe that trusting in God's reasoning without knowing why he allows things to happen is one of the most challenging and most important lessons we learn. Trusting God and not knowing the answer to why, I think we grow tremendously in our relationship with God trusting him with all the unanswered questions. This is where we fully rely on him and give it all up to him!

Give it all up to him.... boy is it just me or is this terribly difficult for you? This is something that I am constantly working on, and even more so now with trying to get pregnant and trusting in his timing. I find myself these days constantly praying for our future children, I don't know when they will come into our lives, what they will look like, what their names will be... but I know that they are a gift from God. I pray for their health, for them to bring glory to the kingdom of God, and for JC and I to raise them to the best of our abilities.

The other night I had a revelation about children and I may be a slow learner but this is what I concluded. We are all God's children, therefore the children that we have are God's children that he has "loaned" us for our time here on earth.When I started thinking about that concept more, I realized just how much of a privilege it is to have a baby. This is amazing to me and makes me want to continue to pray for our future babies, and I know that when we get pregnant again I will be that much more excited! 

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. Psalm 139:14&14

The Lord is constantly molding me into the person he created me to be, and for that I am thankful! I am thankful for each new day that I get a chance to start fresh and learn new things about and from my God. I'm thankful for my God loving me at my low points and high points, I'm thankful that he never leaves my side and always has my best interested at heart! 

In their hearts humans plan their course, but the Lord establishes their steps. Proverbs 16:9

I pray that you can also experience what it's like to me molded and know that God is your Heavenly Father who will never leave you! Hope you had a blessed memorial day! 


Friday, May 25, 2012

A Prayer for Today...

I have been reading a wonderful devotional book titles the one year book of Hope by Nancy Guthrie. It is a wonderful book and has truly helped my hope be restored in the short two weeks I have been reading it. In it she talks about how Jesus suffered and was stricken with grief over losing a friend. Her feelings so describe how I have been feeling lately, struggling with the fact that God has the opportunity to save us from pain but he chooses not to. But we as christian hold tight to that fact that we know his plan for our life is perfect even when we can't see it in mist of our pain. So here is the prayer from my devotional today, thought I would share it with you! Have a wonderful weekend!


All powerful God, I believe by faith that your plans for my life are perfect and flow out of your love for me, but parts of this life have caused me such pain! Show me how to submit, teach me obedience, and allow me to see your glory.


Thursday, May 24, 2012

Always With Me.

I woke up this morning thinking about my mom and how much I miss her. I miss her hugs, her encouraging words, being goofy with her, baking with her, seeing her with her grand babies. I miss the sound of her voice, she was such an amazing person and the best mom in the world, which makes knowing that my children will not know her in this life so difficult. I would love for them to know Grandma Honey and experience her love.

However she is in me and I hold her dear and near to my heart. I know that she will always be with me and that I can tell my kids stories of their Grandma Honey and what an amazing mom and grandma she was! Knowing that Maggie Grace is in heaven with her Grandma Honey brings me much peace and I can only imagine how much she is loving on our sweet little baby girl! 

Just as I miss my mom I miss Maggie Grace just as much if not more! I miss carrying her in my belly, I miss feeling and seeing her move in my belly! I miss all the hopes and dreams that were wrapped up in her and the life that could have been. I am thankful for all the pregnancy memories I have with her and know that I will always carry her in my heart until I met her in Heaven one day! I am thankful for God's promise of being able to be with her and my mom again in one day! 

For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him. John 3:16&17

Even though both of these beautiful little ladies are not here with me on earth anymore I know that they are in Heaven with our Lord and savior. I will always carry them with me in my heart and know that they were and always will be a big part of my life! They both left a huge imprint on my heart and they are both my guardian angels! 

Cloudy weather these days

So those are my thoughts for the day! As we go into this weekend I am excited to spend quality time with my hubby and hopefully take our crazy pups for a few walks. Praying for nice weather instead of this icky rainy weather! Tomorrow we are going to visit my friend Angela who is 36 weeks pregnant and is in the hospital until she gets to 37 weeks so her little girl is fully developed before she delivers! I am baking her cupcakes and bringing her some flowers, I love bringing  presents to people! I am working tomorrow and saturday and then we have a grad party to go to saturday afternoon and then it's already sunday! Here are some snapshots from our week!
JC preaching for the first time on Sunday!

Praying over the graduating seniors
JC with our little boy! 

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

What Could Have Been.

 I try to focus on the future and not look back, it is difficult not to stop and think about what could have been. Everyday I think about what Maggie Grace would look like now, what she would be learning, wondering what her laugh would have sounded like, seeing her smile for the first time. Trying to imagine what life would be like with her, being a mommy everyday and seeing JC be a daddy everyday!

She will always be my first born, my daughter, the one I cared for and carried for nine months. Maggie Grace is so much of my heart, so is a product of mine and JC's love for each other, she is so special and we miss her everyday. So, it is easy to stop and wonder what life could have been with her. But JC and I hold strong to our faith in God and know that he will bless us with more children. After all JC and I have so much love for each other and so much love to give that we need some babies to spread that love to and teach about our loving God to.

Even though it is easy to think about what could have been, I strive to focus on the here and now. To soak up each day and what it has to hold, enjoying JC and our crazy puppies. I strive to have a hope in the future but not to get so wrapped up in the future that I miss out on life right now! I am hoping that with a new month rapidly approaching that I can make this new month about loving my life where I am now! Greeting each day as a new start, with fresh hope and new things to experience. So heres to tomorrow and all that it holds!


Friday, May 18, 2012

Would You?

If you were given the choice to choose your life or someone else's life before you were born, would you? I am sure many of you would say yes, and those of you who would say no must have a pretty awesome life! I am sure you would think that I would say that I would prefer to have been given someone else's life, given all the crummy things I have been through in the last two years of my life. As I thought about this question this morning at first I thought yes I would want someone else's life.... but the more I thought about it, NOPE would not trade my life for anything!

You may think that I am crazy, but the more I thought about it the more I saw all of the HUGE blessings in my life!

I would NEVER trade my husband for anyone else, God knew what he was doing when he brought us together. We support each other, love each other, we know how to grieve together, we know how to find the good things within the bad, we know how to laugh among some of our the worst days! If I didn't marry JC I would not know the truest form of love there is! I thank God everyday for giving me JC, because without him my life would not be complete. Our time as a married couple has not been easy; having two big moves, being pregnant not even one year into our marriage, losing our precious Maggie Grace. However this is what makes us who we are today, the love we have for each other has only grown with each of these things! And I thank God for that because just one of these things could have ruined a marriage especially such a young marriage like ours! So if I had someone else's life, I would not know my great love... JC Barber!

I would NEVER trade my parents in a million years. They are the people who helped shape and mold me into the person I am today, they poured so much love and understanding into me. My mom helped give me strong self confidence and she was my number one supporter, she was there to hold me up on those hard days growing up, and I am sure that she constantly prayed for me! My dad was a role model for what a strong christian man looks like, after mom passed away he helped give me strength and our relationship grew leaps and bounds! He has been there for me since Maggie Grace passed away and I feel so blessed to have him as a father! Even though my mom is now gone, I thank God that I had her growing up and that I was able to know her for 24 years... I do wish it could have been longer! I take so much of who she was as a women, wife, mother and grandmother to heart, I just pray that I am able to be just as wonderful as she was! So if I had someone else's life, I would not have had Dave and Maggie as my parents and I wouldn't have known such wonderful and loving parents.
Love these people!

Cassie and I!
I would NEVER trade my siblings for anything! I love my brothers so much and could not imagine my life without them, they are my protectors who never want to see anything bad happen to me and they have both been there through us losing Maggie Grace. They have been there to support us, pray for us, and to hug us! I am so grateful and blessed for the wonderful women they both married, they each came into my life at different times but they mean the world to me! And I am thankful for JC's sister Cassie for being a wonderful support and encourager for me! We may not be blood sisters but we have each other's backs like we are, I'm so thankful to God for blessing me with wonderful sister-in-laws who love me as much as they do. And their children... I could go on all day about how much my nephews and niece mean to me! They have blessed me beyond words and I hold them SO close to my heart and I always want to be there for them as they grow up wether I'm near or far, they will always be close to my heart! So if I had someone else's life I would not have my brothers, sister-in-laws and my sweet nephews and niece and I would not know what it was like to be an auntie to these kids, or know the love of my brothers and sister-in-laws!

Mindy and I!
Ellie and I!
Rebecca and I!
I would NEVER trade my friends in a million years! God has blessed me with some truly amazing friends! Growing up I always prayed for God to give me good, true, christian friends... he didn't truly answer this prayer until later in my life. There are three amazing girls that I met at North Park; Rebecca, Ellie and Mindy. Our friendships grew at different times, but we all ended up being the best of friends! We all now live in different states and Mindy (the adventurous one) is living in Indonesia right now! But you can bet that when my world came crashing down for a second time with Maggie Grace passed away they were right there to support us. Rebecca flew in from Colorado and Ellie from Washington state, they each stayed for about a week. Rebecca helped cook for us, helped write out thank you cards, and was just there as a listening ear. Ellie helped clean where my c-section was, gave me back rubs, and was there to keep me company and keep my spirits up. And Mindy even though she is in another country wrote us a sweet email after Maggie Grace passed away and sent me beautiful flowers on the two year anniversary of my mom passing away!  Then JC and I have a few amazing couple friends; Britta and Paul who live in Chicago right now, Dan and Elisa who live in Iowa, and Jake and Kristen who live in California. These couples have supported us from afar and when they were able came to visit us, JC and I are so very thankful for these couples and who they are in our lives! So if I had someone else's life I would not have these incredible friends and I wouldn't know what it felt like to be so loved and supported!
JC and I with Jake and Kristen on their wedding day! 

So as I look at my life, I wouldn't trade it for anything. I have had a few major bumps in the road but God has given me the people in my life that I have needed to get through them! I thank God for these people and even for the crummy things that have happened in my life because they have shaped who I am today and have brought me right to this place where I am now! Now I just need to trust in him and in the plans he has for the rest of my life, which is always easier said then done!


Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Dad & Mary

Saturday May 12, 2012 was the day that two families became one. It was a day filled with so much love and hope for the future, it was a day that my Dad was made whole again, it was a day that we welcomed Mary into the family. It was a beautiful day for two beautiful people to join their lives together! Thank you Mary for loving my Dad! 


Dad & Mary

My Love and I

Little Miss Ryleigh

Clay William and I

Ian David and I

Gavin Nicholas and I

My Brothers and I 

Love my Daddy 

Mary and I 

Gav with Uncle JC 

My favorite little girl 

Sisters striking a pose

So sweet, can't wait to see him with our babies! 

The two most important men in my life! 

Dad and his sons!

Brian and Shannon's beautiful family! 
Brad and Whitney's beautiful family! 
Our family, missing our beautiful baby girl! 

Us with Dad and Mary! 

My sisters and I, we are not blood related... but it feels that way!  Love them!

Our new family! 

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Your Tears Matter to God

Where to begin... I can't believe I have not blogged in over a week. Let me tell you that I have been through many emotions lately! Going into this weekend I had many things running through my mind, Dad getting remarried, meeting Mary's kids for the first time, waiting to see if we were pregnant, and Mother's Day (which has been an awful day ever since Mom has passed away.) 

Friday morning I woke up and took a pregnancy test a day early to see if we were expecting so I could prepare myself for the wedding the next day. It was negative, I believe God had prepared my heart for that. We have been so busy and I have been stressed out a lot lately with the moving in three days and just a ton on my plate.... so part of me wasn't surprised that I wasn't pregnant. Still very disappointing having to wait a whole other month to conceive again. Then the rest of the morning I would just look at myself in the mirror and hate how I looked. I just felt fat and upset that I still look this way and no new baby growing inside me made it even worse. But I picked myself up like I always do and went to meet Tammy (my work mom) and Dani ( one of my BFF's) for lunch. It was wonderful to see them, and they just poured encouraging words into me and turned my day right around! SO thankful to have friends like these two in my life! 

Saturday was wedding day! It was a beautiful day outside, perfect for a wedding on a boat cruising down the St.Croix river... Minnesota is so beautiful! I woke up, showered and had some alone time with my daddy before all the craziness started! It was great just sitting at the kitchen table chatting with him (something that has become a normal thing to do with him, but 2 years a go never happened.) I am thankful for my Daddy and the strong man of God that he is and I am thankful for Mary and how happy she makes him! Then JC and I headed to Brian and Shannon's to get ready for the wedding! It was fun to watch Shannon do Ryleigh's hair, watch the boys it dressed up and get their hair all spiked up! As a did my hair and make up I tried to remind myself not to get caught up in the way I looked. But once that dress went on I just felt plain fat and unattractive. I tried not to complain to JC, because I know that he hates it when I complain about the way I look. When we got to the boat I felt exposed, I have never ever been this heavy for a family function like this before... so I just felt fat and it's hard for me to look at pictures from that day. I broke down crying before the service started, I was just thinking about Mom and I how much I wished she was there. Sweet little Ryleigh was in my lap when I was crying and turned around and in her sweet voice asked "why you crying?" love her so much! The wedding service was beautiful and it was a beautiful day.

Sunday was my absolute break down just want to give up on life day. I got my monthly visitor that day and all I could hear was "If God is a loving God why would he take my Mom and then take my first born child away?" That's all that kept going through my mind, the hurt and the pain was all I could feel, in that moment all I wanted was for that pain and anger toward God to go away. JC told me he loved me and I said I know but that won't make the pain go away, for the first time every when he hugged me, I felt nothing. The two hours that I just sobbed and could only feel pain were the scariest two hours of my life, I was no longer Bee. I had been taken over by something evil, something that filled my heart with rage and anger towards God. I just felt so completely broken, so completely hopeless, like my life didn't matter any more, I didn't want to carry on... what was the point if all I was going to feel was pain? I'm sure this is similar to how my Mom felt before she took her own life. Something snapped me out of it for the most part and I was able to go on with my day. I am thankful to my loving husband who I am sure prayed for me that entire time, thankful to God for pulling me out of that thought process. 

I am still feeling very weak and on edge, so I talked to my doctor and I am going back on depression medicine. I know myself well enough to know when I need help from medicine and right now I just need that as a little bit of a boost. I am still struggling with God right now and still a little bit anger with him and I feel bad and guilty for feeling this way and for admitting that this is how I feel. He is my God and I know that he has big plans for my life, but right now in this moment in time I am just hurt, wounded, and upset. I am still trying to wrap my head around why a loving God, someone who cares about me would allow such pain and sorrow to happen in my life... SO much hurt in ONLY 2 years! I am sure this pain will never fully go away but I know that with time it will become more dull. When I have the next baby in my arms, alive, I will feel like all my hurt and pain was all worth being able to keep our baby. 

I know that for every tear I cry in sadness, God will match that with tears of joy, I know that I must be patient for the next baby, I know that my God loves me, I know that he will fill the empty spot in my heart, I know that I have a beautiful future ahead of me. I know all these things, but the hard part is sitting here in the middle of having to wait for all these good things to happen. I know it will be worth it, I just pray that God gives me the strength to get to that moment in time when I am holding my beautiful baby alive in my arms! 

You created me, you know my heart, you know my desires, you know how much a long to be a mother. God I just lift all these things that are heavy on my heart up to you. Lord, I can not do these things alone and I can not handle them any more, so please hear them, take them, and lift them off of my heavy and weary shoulders. Lord, I am flawed, I am weak, I am angry, I am tired, I am sick of feeling this way, take it away! Fill me with hope, love, peace, and strength! Give me courage to carry on when all I can feel or see is darkness. I give it all up to you.


I weep with grief; encourage me by your word. Keep me from lying to myself; give me the privilege of knowing your law. I have chosen to be faithful; I have determined to live by your law. Psalm 119:28-30

You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book. Psalm 56:8


Monday, May 7, 2012

Time Goes On.

Zeke at 14 weeks old
Zeke at 10 weeks old
As I sit here this morning watching the puppies play and wait for JC to wake up, I can't believe how fast time is going. A month a go today we brought home a little ten pound puppy and today he is twenty pounds plus and the same height as Zoey! He is getting so big and he is one smart cookie, he still has a few potty accidents here and there but he knows how to let us know when he needs to go out. He has been fun and a lot of work at the same time, we are defiantly looking forward to him growing out of the puppy stage! He keeps Zoey busy and they have fun running around chasing each other.

We have now been in our new house for a little over a week and are all settled in, it's amazing how fast you can get situated in a house when you only have to work a couple times a week! Some parts of me miss the old house, but like I said before I am thankful for a new start in a new home!

Our sweet baby girl!

Me 1 week before my due date!

Tomorrow would have been Maggie's 4 month birthday! 4 months ago I was able to see her face for the first time; 4 months ago I had my big pregnant belly feeling her move; 4 months ago I was up at night with heart burn because of all that hair she had; 4 months ago I was dreaming of her future; 4 months ago I was longing to hold her: 4 months ago I was filled with excitement; 4 months ago JC was anxiously waiting with me. 4 months ago was one of the worst days of my life. Has it only been 4 months ago that I was pregnant with our beautiful baby girl? How fast and slow time has gone by, how I long to have another baby growing in my belly, I still get emotional when I see babies wishing and hoping that God will grant us another baby. 

Somedays I wonder if God allowed us to lose our first born because he was angry with us or because we did something wrong. I know that is not true or a good way to look at it, but when you have had such crummy things happen to you in only two years time you can't help but think that way sometimes. You can't help but think and wonder
God what have I done to deserve this?" God knows my heart, he knows how I'm feeling, he has only given me things I can handle with him... sometimes I wish he didn't' think so highly of me because I think life would be much easier and maybe even a little boring!

As time goes on I can feel my heart healing, I can feel my heart being restored, I can feel my hope being restored. As time goes on I am looking to the future and trying not to let my past bring me down, because my past is just part of my story I will not let it define who I am!  As time goes on I pray that I will be able to touch people with my story and be an encouragement to people around me! As time goes on I am excited (and a little scared, not gonna lie) to see what God has planned for the rest of our lives here on earth. Happy Monday! May this week be filled with many blessings in your life!