Saturday, January 19, 2013

Life Goes On

After experiencing huge loses in your life it is inevitable that life (without permission) does in fact go on. Somedays I am thankful that it goes on and that I am not living the worst days of my life, but at the same time I don't want it to go on. Like tomorrow, I don't want to face tomorrow... talking to all the people at church having to face yet another lose in our life in front of a church congregation, oh how I dread it! I wish I could just stay in my cozy house with my loving husband and my cute pups, where I don't have to explain, face people full of sympathy... ick, I just don't want to deal with it. But I know that dealing with it head on is what I must do... it's part of life going on.

So, tonight & tomorrow morning I will be praying for strength and patients to deal with the masses at church. My sweet JC told me I don't have to go if I don't feel up to it, which I don't and my cold is still not gone yet. However I feel like I might as well get it over with & face it head on! My friend is also having a jewelry party tomorrow, which I haven't decided if I'm ready for that or not yet.

On a separate note I am enjoying splurging on treats until I am done with my recovery time which is on Tuesday! So tonight for desert is brownies and ice cream... yum!! After I am feeling 100% healthy is when I am going to start my work out schedule, and working on toning the butt and flattening the abs after all I am in a wedding in June!! So here is to tomorrow that even though I am dreading it, I am thankful for another day in this life! Here are a few pics from the last few days! 


Of course one of my treats had to be cupcakes!! 

My sweet sleepy boy! 

Not wanting to get out of bed the other day, just love cuddling with this
big boy! 

New book I started reading last night, so far so good! 

Trying to live my life like this! 

Used my new waffle maker I got for Christmas today, epic fail in the
way they looked... but they still tasted yummy! 

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Life can change in an instant...

Life can change in an instant.... my life have changed in an instant in a big way several times in my short 27 years of life. My life & world was flipped upside down February 2010, when I received a call that my mom had taken her own life. My life has not been the same since that day, I miss my Mom SO much everyday and I look forward to the day I get to see her and get a hug from her in Heaven. My life changed the day I found out I was expecting our precious Maggie Grace, I was absolutely thrilled & couldn't wait to met her! My life was turned upside down once again the day Maggie Grace was born & then shortly passed away, I miss my Maggie EVERYDAY & wonder what she would be learning to do and what she would look like. My Maggie Grace is frozen in time as a newborn in her picture that is on our wall in our bedroom, oh how I wish I could hold her, sing to her & watch her grow. In September my world was changed again when I found out we were expecting a second baby, oh how excited we were about this news... little did we know that a short 4 months later our world would be flipped upside down & we would have to say goodbye to that baby & begin the healing processes all over again. We would be finding out this week if the baby was a boy or a girl, as time goes on I know I will be thinking 'oh I would be this far along now' and on June 5th (my due date) I know that will be another hard day. The only thing that brings me comfort after enduring all these heartbreaking and life changing moments is that my Mom, and our two sweet babies are in a safe and loving place with our Lord and Savior! I mean what better place for them to be, I always know where they are and who they are with!!

Now that we are back home in the Falls I am still sick and haven't left the house since we got home Sunday night. I am so tired physically, emotionally & spiritually... I am really hoping that I get healthy soon because it's really getting old! While we spent time down at my Dad's house we celebrated, my Dad's Birthday, Ryleigh's Birthday & Will's Birthday as I was happy to be there to celebrate these Birthdays, I couldn't help but be a little sad at the same time. We would have been celebrating Maggie Grace turning one and instead we not only celebrated her Birthday with out her... we had to say goodbye to her brother/ sister on her Birthday. January 8th is the worst day of the year next to February 28th, the only thing I can think of is that God may have thought grieving our babies on the same day may have been easier than having two separate days. That really makes me not want to be pregnant during January with the next baby... but at the same time I don't want to wait another year to get pregnant. That's in God's hands and that's where it will stay!

These are my thoughts for today. Here are some pics from our time in the cities!


Some beautiful flowers that were sent to me, I feel
like flowers can always brighten your day! 

Zekey Boy playing with hi ball!

My beautiful Zoey girl, making me smile on a hard day!

Happy Birthday to the best Dad EVER!! 

Celebrating Ryleigh turning 3! TIme sure flies!! 

Love this girl SO much!! 

Clay, my buddy!! 

Such a pretty girl!! 

Discussing Ian's favorite Christmas present! They are cute together! 

To celebrate Maggie Grace we decorated... cupcakes of course!! 

The yummy & sweet cake Shannon made! 

We released balloons for both our precious babies! 

Happy 6th Birthday to Will! 

Brad & Will made a pirate ship piƱata for his Birthday! 

Cute Ori in the hat JC and I gave Will for his Birthday! 

Grandpa Airplane with Ryleigh Grace! 

The cousins telling Will about his gift! 


Ori trying to take JC's tongue ring out, haha! 

Mary with cute Ryleigh! 

A refreshing walk with my little family! 

First night back at home, I think she was happy to be home! 

Zeke this morning... so thankful he let me sleep until 11! 

I made pancakes yesterday and I couldn't help notice this one looks
like a heart! 

Wednesday, January 9, 2013

Here Again

Here we are again, just days into January and the lose of another baby. I didn't see this one coming, however I didn't see us losing our Maggie Grace either. I told my Dad the other night that if someone had told me that this is how my life would end up like I would not have believed them. It's a good thing though.... because to be honest if I had been told ahead of time that this is the kind of hurt I would have to endure in my life, I may have opted for another route with less pain. If I had been told about this pain ahead of time I would not think I had the strength to get through it all. When people tell me that I am such a strong person, I feel like I am anything but.

The strength does not come from me, it comes from my God, with out him I would be nothing, without him I would be a puddle of mush that doesn't want to get out of bed. Without him I would be so lost, confused, hurt, and angry. Now I'm not saying I don't feel these things, because I do (I don't understand why we have had two babies taken away... and I probably never well know) I feel hurt and pain, however with my God all these feelings seem so much more bare able  & when I look at scripture it gives me the hope I need for the future and to keep pushing forward.

Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you. 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

This was the scripture that was on my daily Bible app on my phone yesterday and it just seemed so fitting for what I had to face yesterday. Yesterday was a miserable day, the procedure I had to go through was a D & C and it was quite possibly the worst thing I have ever had to go through. The fact that I was in my second trimester made it more uncomfortable/ painful because the baby was bigger in size then when they usually do this procedure in the first trimester. I thank God that JC was able to be right by my side holding my hand through the whole thing, I don't know how I would have gotten through it without him there. Saying goodbye to this baby has not been nearly as emotional as it was with Maggie Grace, now it may hit me harder in the days to come only time will tell. They were unable to tell the sex of this baby, which I think in a way makes it a little easier to let go. We will probably never know the cause of why this baby passed, but just take comfort in the fact that this (even though painful) is part of God's plan for JC and I.

"Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose trust is the Lord. He is like a tree planted by water, that sends out its roots by the stream." Jeremiah 17:7-8

Seek the Lord and his strength; seek his presence continually. 1 Chronicles 16:11

These are the words I have for today, I know I will be writing more as my brain processes this situation more. Thank you all for your prayers and words of encouragement, they mean a great deal to both JC and I. A specific prayer request for me right now is that my strep, ear infection/ clogged left ear clears up soon, it would be nice to be healthy once again.


Tea & my lamb blanket give me much comfort these days.

Don't know why, but yesterday I wanted to take one last
picture of my baby bump.
The essentials of my life as of lately. 

Seeking the beauty of God's creation to help heal my soul.

Sunday, January 6, 2013

How do We say Goodbye... Again

Picture I took of the sunset Friday night driving to the
hospital. Trying to find God's beauty among the dark times.
Here we are once again saying goodbye to another one of our beloved babies. I am writing this with a heavy heart. Friday afternoon we went to the doctor's for a routine OB check up and the doctor could not find the baby's heartbeat so they sent us off to a hospital an hour and a half south of the Falls to get an ultrasound done to make sure that baby was ok. When we arrived we were swiftly brought to the ultrasound room and I laid down on the table saw the baby, but no movement and the tech was very quite so I knew baby was gone but when he actually confirmed it by saying it out loud it hit me like a ton of bricks!

Seriously.... AGAIN?!!! What the *&$#% are you doing God? I don't get it... I don't want to go through this again. Even in the middle of all this I felt bad for this tech who had to tell us this horrible news after we had just shared with him about our Maggie Grace. As the reality set in the tears just flowed from both mine and JC's eyes... JC apologized for this happening again (not him I am upset with, but my sweet love said the words that came to his heart first) How fresh this all seems to us after losing our first sweet baby almost a year ago, I think this numbed part of the harsh pain of it all in that moment.

They proceeded to check me in to the ER that night to see if I would "expel" the baby, well I sit here  still pregnant your guess is correct I have not expelled the baby yet. As I went through an entire day yesterday of pitocin and nothing happening, my body/or and the baby doesn't want to let go yet. So today (Sunday) we were sent from the hospital in Virginia to a hospital in Minneapolis to see experts and get everything taken care of. So tonight we are sleeping at my dad's house and will be going to a clinic in Minneapolis at 12:30, to see what the plan is for taking care of this baby. There are many complications that can some with a procedure like the one I need done, because I have not dilated and I may not dilate they could possibly tear my uterus, which would really stink because that means really no more babies or possible tearing of my bowel or something else. Now after hearing about all the complications you would think I would want to be put under... but I don't because I have so many bad memories of being put out with Maggie and on top of it I have been extremely sick and still am fighting strep and an ear infection so I am not sure if they would want to put me under. If you think of it tomorrow please pray for JC and I as we go through another hard lose in our life, for the doctor's and for our peace of mind.

That is all I have for tonight, I will try and keep you all posted as much as possible.


This video is one that JC brought to my attention tonight and I don't think it could sum up how we are feeling right now any better.