Pregnancy after loss

 Pregnancy after a loss or multiple losses is something you can never be fully prepared for and it is most definitely not for the faint of heart. Those early days where you can't feel baby move you are always wondering if they're ok and developing right and then once baby can move and you feel them you worry on those days when they aren't quit as active if that means baby may die. 

Just being pregnant for the first time you have worries and concerns in the unknown. Imagine that times like a hundred, that's pregnancy after loss. It's like doing a dance between grief & joy... small things may remind you of previous pregnancies but yours also so filled of joy for this new little miracle. You do your best to stay positive and trust that everything will be ok but those fears always seem to creep up. How did I combat those fears? A lot of prayers and reassurance from my doctor. I also bought a bracelet to remind myself daily that everything would be ok.

 Do not fear for I am with you Isaiah 41:10... this was my reminder that no matter what this pregnancy held God would be with me through it all.

See one of the hardest parts about being pregnant after you have lost a baby is you have lived through the "worst case scenario" and have felt that pain. So in your mind having another baby die is not far out of reach, a little minor concern can send you off into a spiral of the "what if" game.That is not a fun game to play any day let alone when it comes to carrying a precious babe. 

10 week baby bump!

Certain markers in my pregnancy that are a trigger, like the 8 week mark because that is when we lost our last baby and making it to the 20 week mark is huge because baby number two we lost at 19 weeks. I would buy little things to celebrate little markers, first one was a little pair of shoes and then a set of jammies and lastly I subscribed to a pregnancy (bump box) monthly box of goodies. I waited until I was over half way to subscribe because I didn't want to sign up to only loss this baby and be reminded the following month by the box arriving. I found these little celebrations within these pregnancy to help me find joy in it, yet there is still always that thought in the back of your mind that something could go wrong. Having other kids that can understand mom has a baby growing in her belly was definitely a game changer this time around. Kylie was so sweet to tell me that my belly was getting bigger, made me feel like baby was growing because it was hard for me to tell looking in the mirror and I would have those moments of doubt if my belly was growing or not.

 Every good ultrasound or check up calmed my heart and I gained confidence that this baby would be fine! We found out early on that she was a girl and waited until we went to our family cabin to surprise the kids... their reactions were just as I had expected, Kylie was beyond excited for a baby sister and Micah was not too happy.

perfect picture to sum up their reactions

As my belly grew I was able to stay mostly positive but anxiety did creep in every once and awhile. I was still worried about my uterus being thin and any new ache or pain I was feeling I made sure to ask my doctor about. I defiantly feel more sick this time around and had a lot more round ligament pain... not sure if that was because this was my 4th time carrying a baby or my age being 36 this time around. There is defiantly a huge difference in being pregnant in your 20's vs. your 30's. This time around I knew this would be my last time being pregnant, so I tried to make sure to soak it all in. My biggest fear would be that something would happen and I wouldn't be able to say goodbye to Kylie and Micah and explain what would come next.

My original due date was January 12th, but seeing that my uterus was thin my doctor had told me even before getting pregnant that baby would come at 37 weeks to hopefully prevent my uterus from rupturing. So we scheduled my c section for non other than Christmas Eve... we did this because my doctor was having surgery and would be out from the beginning of December until that day. Not ideal but I told JC I wanted to make sure she was the one to delivery the baby. So we made a call to JC's mom to see if she could fly in from Oregon to be with the kids while we had the baby. Looking back I am so glad we did this and prepared for family to come help... delivery would not be when or how we expected to to happen, more on that later!

In October we had my good friend take some family pictures and maternity ones too. I absolutely  love all those images and thought I would just share a few with you. I had only done maternity pics with Maggie and I wanted to document the last time I would ever be pregnant. 

I'm hoping to do at least 1 more post about my pregnancy if not 2, then you'll be all caught up to where we are currently in life! Thank you for reading friend!

XOXO Bee