Here I Sit.

Here I sit a week and a half after losing another sweet baby. Last summer I met with an OB doctor and she gave me the ok to try for just one more baby, so JC and I decided to leave it in God's hands if it was meant to be. Fast forward to March 6th when the pregnancy test showed positive, as I was trying to wrap my head around actually being pregnant again (for the 5th time!). 

With all my last two pregnancies I felt a certain whispering from God, with Kylie it was to Trust God, with Micah it was to enjoy being pregnant and this time the only whisperings I was receiving was I will take care of you. It felt different this time around but I was trying my hardest to trust Him and that we would hold this baby. I just never had peace about this pregnancy and wasn't sure why all I knew is that God would take care of ME. Whether it is the state that our country is in with this crazy pandemic or my anxiety getting to me I just couldn't put my finger on it. I was trying my hardest to not let fear take over, but then just a couple short days before my first appointment/ ultrasound I began to have cramps and some bleeding.I had had light bleeding the beginning with Micah, but the cramping is what worried me... I had never had that with any of my other pregnancies. I broke down crying the night before my appointment telling JC I didn't want to go to my appointment alone because I had a bad feeling and because I was scared about what the hospital would be like/ look like during the pandemic changes.

That Friday morning when I woke up it was rainy and cloudy out. The weather was reflecting how I was feeling inside, I just felt like something was wrong. Once I got to my appointment, I waited for what felt like and hour to be called back for my ultrasound. Once the ultrasound began the tech was very quiet as he did his measurements (which I remember quietness during the ultrasound when we found out we lost our second baby). I finally heard the words slip out of my mouth "I don't see a heartbeat." he agreed and said I don't think there is... sorry about that.

Woah, tears immediately streamed down my face... I had half way expected this, but that doesn't take away the shock or pain of the moment. The tech left the room to give me some privacy and get the nurse practitioner. So I began to deliver the terrible news and typed the words "no heartbeat" or "baby did not have a heart beat." in text to family and friends I knew had been praying for me and baby. These are not fun words to type or have delivered to your phone... this moment was especially hard because JC was not with me (the clinic didn't want "extra"people coming to appointments). First time receiving this terrible news with out my partner there to help hold me up, thank goodness God was there giving me the strength I needed.

As I left with tears streaming down my face because I just couldn't turn them off, in true "Bee" fashion I could not find where I parked my car (this clinic is like a maze in itself and has 3 levels for parking). I went back and forth between the first and second floor of parking for probably about 10 minutes before I finally walked out of the parking garage (while it was raining) and found my car with the gps on my phone.... I was parked on level 3. I tell you this ridicules part of the story to show how God threw some comedy relief in this day for me to be able to just shake my head and laugh at myself.

As I came home to JC and received such a sweet and loving hug from him, I melted into his arms and let myself weep once more. These feelings; lose, grief, sadness, emptiness and anger came flooding in and felt so familiar to both of us. We have been here before, not once but twice... but why did this time feel so different? Well this time we have two beautiful healthy babies here with us and this time I was only 8 weeks into this pregnancy, so my physical appearance wasn't so much a reminder of the baby we lost. As terrible as it sounds since we lost our Maggie I had prayed that if God was going to take a baby that he would take the baby early on. I had it in my mind that it would feel different perhaps hurt less. Well I can tell you it hurts just the same, if anything this lose has been harder in some aspects. I think because we do have kids now, we know the possibility of what we lost. Having seen and watched Kylie & Micah grow and learn, we long to see this baby do the same thing!

As the days go by the sadness has dwindled a bit, but my emotions/ hormones have been all over the place and it has been difficult to explain to people how I feel and what I'm struggling with. I came across this picture on facebook and it is such an accurate depiction of what miscarriage feels like, you feel like a part of you is missing, you're not whole. My body was just getting used to baby

growing and then baby was gone. That empty feeling... I was sitting on the couch the other day and felt like I was in need of something but didn't know what it was. Then if dawned on me, my tiny baby is what I needed/wanted. I know that I will see this baby again in Heaven and I rejoice in that knowledge! However in this moment as I sit here I am sad, I am full of grief , I am upset, I feel lost at times and that is ok. I am human and I will allow myself to go through these emotions. 

What matters is that I allow myself to grieve but also that I lean on God for strength and know that He will get be through this tough season. There is a time to mourn and a time to dance. I believe that there is a rainbow at the end of every season/ storm in life, if you only allow yourself to see it! 

Peace and Joy to you today my friends... may you find your rainbow! 

XOXO Bee