A Covid Delivery & recovery.

 Let me first say that her birth did not go at all like I had expected, it actually went the way I had feared. I'm sure by now you have heard of a little virus know as COVID-19, well I tested positive for it in the middle of November 2021 while I was about 8 months pregnant. After being bed ridden for about two weeks of having the virus, struggling with breathing and barely being able to walk from our bedroom to the kitchen in the morning to take my vitamins and medicine (our house isn't big... it only takes about 20 steps to get to the kitchen). I remember many days that just standing to take my medicine was exhausting. In my mind I didn't think I was that bad, JC had asked me severally times are you sure your ok? At the end of all my pregnancies it is difficult to breath in general as I have a very short torso and things are very squished in my abdomen. 

I headed into what would be my last appointment with my OB on Monday November 29th I was feeling pretty good thinking that I was doing better than the week before (at this point I was going in once a week of non-stress tested & ultrasounds). It was an afternoon appointment and JC was able to bring me in which was a huge blessing because walking from the parking ramp to the OB department was exhausting.So he pushed me in a wheelchair to where I needed to go. I had set up months ahead to have my brother be at our house when the kids got home from school that day because I knew we wouldn't make it back home before the school bus dropped them off. 

Well this appointment went drastically different then I expected, after doing my ultrasound they took my vitals and discovered that my O2 levels were down to I think if memory serves me right about 92%/93% which is low and not what they want to see when you are providing oxygen not just for you but the baby you are carrying. So they had me get wheeled in a wheelchair by JC to the labor and delivery part of the hospital where they started me on oxygen. Little did I know that I should get used to those annoying oxygen tubes up my nose... spoiler alert, I would be on oxygen for about the next 10 days. After I was settled in my room, JC decided to head home to relieve my brother of kid duty at our house even though I didn't want him to leave me. 

That night went by fast and the next thing I remember is waking up to my nurse coming in telling me that we need to up my oxygen and get me on high flow. I still don't know the specifics about oxygen given other than when you need high flow its not a good thing. I was told the night before after JC left that he wasn't allowed to come back because of me having covid (super annoyed I didn't know that before he left) as the morning went on my OB came in and told me that she thought it would be best if I was transferred to a hospital down in the cities for care. 

This was heartbreaking for more than one reason but mostly I loved my OB and wanted her to delivery my baby. My nurse informed me that I would need to be air lifted to the cities in a helicopter, I actually remember asking him if they could just drive me there... a funny afterthought now! His response was no, you need to be air lifted, I'm not a huge fan of flying in general so I was not too excited about this news. I took it in stride as I tend to do when I'm in hard situations because what else am I going to do? Before too long I was getting suited up with a bubble helmet so that I could still continue to get oxygen while in flight. I so wish I would have taken a picture of me with this ridiculous thing on to show the kids later. They transferred me to a stretcher and then I was on the move to the roof of the hospital. Thankfully a friend of mine that is a nurse at essentia stopped by my house and was able to pick up a bag that had some clothes, shower items, my kindle and my most important item my fuzzy blanket that the kids & JC had given me for my birthday. JC thoughtfully packed these items up for me and my bag got loaded into the helicopter with me. Man, was that helicopter a snug fit... it was however a very smooth flight and I believe it only took about 1.5 hours to get us to the cities.  

Once we landed I was brought to an ICU room, I remember the room being filled with a lot of medical personal. They got me set up with I different high flow oxygen tube and were asking me about when I was first diagnosed with covid. I spoke with what felt like a hundred different doctors including the special disease doctor. I had amazing nurses who cared for me at this time that help me write up questions I had because there was so much different information being given to me. I remember there was not a bath room in that room and I had to use a bed side toilet, eww. By this time I was feeling a bit better after being on oxygen and receiving medicine, my appetite was returning. However I still had a high need for oxygen and that was concerning the doctor and talk of delivering baby began the following morning, December 1st.

The OB doctor came in to speak with me and discussing delivering baby and explaining that once baby was out they hoped that my breathing would improve significantly. Since I just ate breakfast I knew they had to wait at least a few hours until taking me to the OR, the doctor assured me that 34 week old babies tend to do well once delivered telling me that his son was born at that gestation and did well. This whole time I wasn't worried about my little lady, I felt peace that she would be fine. My mind more so took me to dying myself considering how sick I was on top of having to undergo having a baby surgically removed from my body. But more on that later.

 JC, who was still up in Two Harbors with the kids had taken that day off of work. I called him and the kids as there were just getting home from grabbing the kids school work for the next few days. As we were on the phone it started with I think they might deliver the baby to oh yup we are having a baby... tonight! So when they got home it was time to pack up for a few days (at this point it was hard to know how long the kids would be down in the cities at my brother Brad's house)JC just told the kids they needed to be "flexible". While they began their 3 hour drive down to the cities, I was facing the question of if JC would be able to be with me in general, like not even in the OR because I was going to be put under. 

My mind spun out of control for a bit thinking about all that could happen and that I could handle being put under but to not have my person with me at all during this process I felt cheated. I was angry that covid was causing me to experience loneliness like I had only heard about. On top of them telling me I would be put under for the birth they also told me I would most likely be on the ventilator for a few days to let my body (lungs) recover. Well as you can imagine that information did not put my mind at ease one bit, thinking I wouldn't know what day I would be waking up really freaked me out.It seemed as if every person I asked about if JC would be able to come be with me had a different answer, finally I got the final word from my nurse that he was allowed to come be with me as long as he wore protective gear while visiting me. As I waited for JC and the kids to get to me I was anxious as you could believe and needed someone to pray with/for me so I called my sweet mother in law and had a brief conversation with her and she prayed for me which helped make me feel less anxious... but I wasn't at complete ease until I saw JC's face walk through the doors of my ICU room. 

He had to wear a helmet type thing that I can only explain as looking like a space helmet and had to wear scrubs on top of his clothes. I could tell he was happy to be with me but I could also sense his anxiety and he played with his wedding ring as we talked and tried to just focus on the happy thought of baby coming that night. So much of this reminded me and I'm sure him of how things went with our Maggie Grace's delivery which didn't not have a happy outcome. The 3 hours I got with him before going into the OR seemed to fly by but was such a gift and before I knew it they were pushing my bed to the elevator. and once we were in the elevator. Next it was time to say goodbye and being brought into that bright OR room. They took my glasses so they wouldn't get lost, but let me tell you how much that affects me because I have terrible eye sight it's like losing one of my 5 senses right there. But before they were taken I could tell all the people in the OR were female, which I just thought was cool and made a comment about it. Then onto the operating table which was tilted to the left so I wasn't laying flat on my back for baby's sake and to help with my breathing. 

There is not much more than laying exposed on an operating table to make you feel completely vulnerable and scared. I asked for someone to hold my hand and a sweet lady (I can't remember who she was) came and sat next to me and held my hand. I remember the sense of just being so physically tired that I was ok with going to uninterrupted sleep for awhile even thought I still didn't know how long that would be. Next thing I remember was counting backwards.... and then being back in my icu room with a nurse on each side of me pumping my boobs for milk. HA! That was quit the way to wake up. 

To my surprise it was just the next morning, my lungs had improved so much after
baby came out that they saw no need to keep me under. The next thing I remember is being handed my phone and it was full of text messages, pictures and videos of little miss.Gemma from JC! Oh how my heart burst when I saw her sweet little face and her little head full of dark hair, all I wanted to do was get to her. However because I was still positive for covid it would be a long 5 days before I could hold my baby girl. This was definitely extremely difficult but I was beyond thankful that JC was with her the whole time and able to send me updates! 

Finally on December 6th 2021 I was able to hold my Gemma Hope for the first time. Oh my heart seriously felt like it could burst! Not only being able to hold her but to be able to physically be with JC felt so nice. I was in isolation the days leading up to this day, so I could only see JC through my hospital room door window and talk to him on the phone. This was only allowed because he would come and get the milk I was pumping for Gemma. 

I was determined to breastfeed this little lady because I wasn't able to do it with Kylie because I had to switch depression medicine and with Micah he was born with a tongue tie so I exclusively pumped for him. Having a preemie has its own set of challenges when it comes to feeding/eating. In fact getting her to eat on her own was the only reason she was in the special care nursery. So it was a lot of pumping for me in the first two months. 

JC and I spent the rest of the week together in Gemma's room (after I was discharged from Abbot as a patient on Dec.9th I believe) Then he headed back home to the kiddos and to return to work as he used up all this action days to be with Gemma and I. I was very thankful they had a parent sleep room (like a small hotel room) for me to sleep in every night, I was able to get meals/food from the Ronald McDonald house which was a huge blessing as I was still recovery from Covid and a c-section and didn't have a vehicle to leave even if I wanted to hahaha. I spent most of my days holding my baby, working on breastfeeding and pumping about every 3 hours. My dad, step mom, brother Brad & SIL Whitney came to visit while Gemma was still in the hospital... I was so happy to have family come visit it made the days go by faster and feel less lonely. 

Kylie and Micah were able to head home a couple days after Gemma was born, my amazing mother in law flew in early from Oregon to be with them! So thankful once again that she was able to come and be with them while I stayed at the hospital with Gemma and JC headed back to work.

Finally on December 18th our Gemma girl was released from the hospital and we were able to head home! I was so relieved to be going home after being away from Kylie & Micah for 20 days... I was so excited to see them and introduce them to their new baby sister! They had only seen her on FaceTime, I was so excited to see them hold her! 

Through this whole process I could feel God's hand and peace in all the different situations that we had to face.Everyday I feel so thankful and blessed that God gave us another beautiful healthy baby girl! 

Well, I think thats about all I can recall from her birth. I hope you enjoy the pictures of our girl when she was a new born! 

XOXO Bee

Pregnancy after loss

 Pregnancy after a loss or multiple losses is something you can never be fully prepared for and it is most definitely not for the faint of heart. Those early days where you can't feel baby move you are always wondering if they're ok and developing right and then once baby can move and you feel them you worry on those days when they aren't quit as active if that means baby may die. 

Just being pregnant for the first time you have worries and concerns in the unknown. Imagine that times like a hundred, that's pregnancy after loss. It's like doing a dance between grief & joy... small things may remind you of previous pregnancies but yours also so filled of joy for this new little miracle. You do your best to stay positive and trust that everything will be ok but those fears always seem to creep up. How did I combat those fears? A lot of prayers and reassurance from my doctor. I also bought a bracelet to remind myself daily that everything would be ok.

 Do not fear for I am with you Isaiah 41:10... this was my reminder that no matter what this pregnancy held God would be with me through it all.

See one of the hardest parts about being pregnant after you have lost a baby is you have lived through the "worst case scenario" and have felt that pain. So in your mind having another baby die is not far out of reach, a little minor concern can send you off into a spiral of the "what if" game.That is not a fun game to play any day let alone when it comes to carrying a precious babe. 

10 week baby bump!

Certain markers in my pregnancy that are a trigger, like the 8 week mark because that is when we lost our last baby and making it to the 20 week mark is huge because baby number two we lost at 19 weeks. I would buy little things to celebrate little markers, first one was a little pair of shoes and then a set of jammies and lastly I subscribed to a pregnancy (bump box) monthly box of goodies. I waited until I was over half way to subscribe because I didn't want to sign up to only loss this baby and be reminded the following month by the box arriving. I found these little celebrations within these pregnancy to help me find joy in it, yet there is still always that thought in the back of your mind that something could go wrong. Having other kids that can understand mom has a baby growing in her belly was definitely a game changer this time around. Kylie was so sweet to tell me that my belly was getting bigger, made me feel like baby was growing because it was hard for me to tell looking in the mirror and I would have those moments of doubt if my belly was growing or not.

 Every good ultrasound or check up calmed my heart and I gained confidence that this baby would be fine! We found out early on that she was a girl and waited until we went to our family cabin to surprise the kids... their reactions were just as I had expected, Kylie was beyond excited for a baby sister and Micah was not too happy.

perfect picture to sum up their reactions

As my belly grew I was able to stay mostly positive but anxiety did creep in every once and awhile. I was still worried about my uterus being thin and any new ache or pain I was feeling I made sure to ask my doctor about. I defiantly feel more sick this time around and had a lot more round ligament pain... not sure if that was because this was my 4th time carrying a baby or my age being 36 this time around. There is defiantly a huge difference in being pregnant in your 20's vs. your 30's. This time around I knew this would be my last time being pregnant, so I tried to make sure to soak it all in. My biggest fear would be that something would happen and I wouldn't be able to say goodbye to Kylie and Micah and explain what would come next.

My original due date was January 12th, but seeing that my uterus was thin my doctor had told me even before getting pregnant that baby would come at 37 weeks to hopefully prevent my uterus from rupturing. So we scheduled my c section for non other than Christmas Eve... we did this because my doctor was having surgery and would be out from the beginning of December until that day. Not ideal but I told JC I wanted to make sure she was the one to delivery the baby. So we made a call to JC's mom to see if she could fly in from Oregon to be with the kids while we had the baby. Looking back I am so glad we did this and prepared for family to come help... delivery would not be when or how we expected to to happen, more on that later!

In October we had my good friend take some family pictures and maternity ones too. I absolutely  love all those images and thought I would just share a few with you. I had only done maternity pics with Maggie and I wanted to document the last time I would ever be pregnant. 

I'm hoping to do at least 1 more post about my pregnancy if not 2, then you'll be all caught up to where we are currently in life! Thank you for reading friend!

XOXO Bee

Let's Rewind...

 Oh my goodness how time a flown by this last year, I have so many things to update you on. So I thought I would write a post to catch you up on some of life since the last time I posted.

Ironically the very last test I had on hand

We will rewind back to about a year ago... May 9th to be exact. That day I found out that I was pregnant with yet another sweet babe. That morning the tears flooded my eyes once again when I saw the positive on the pregnancy test... but not tears of joy or happiness but of sadness and doubt. As much as I wanted to believe that this would be baby #3 we would be able to keep I doubted this pregnancy would have a happy ending and I didn't know if my heart could take another lose. Sure enough just 5 days later I began to bleed, my heart sank and this was usually a sign that a miscarriage wasn't too far off. Thus began the journey of going to get my blood taken to check my MCG (pregnancy hormone) levels. I remember that first day we were at the park when I got a phone call to come in to check my hormone levels, I felt bad I had to hurry the kids in the car but also just wanted some answers.

 Kylie overheard JC and I talking just a day after finding out I was pregnant and she got SO excited when she heard I was pregnant again. I remember feeling my heart swell to see her so excited about mom having another baby but also wanting to protect her from being hurt if we lost this baby. When thinking of reasons why I wanted to try for another baby one of my big reasons was for Kylie and Micah to have another sibling to love, grow up with and protect. So explained to my Kylie girl (especially when they came to appointments) that we needed to pray that God would protect the baby and help it grow. I prepared them both that we needed to wait and see if we would get good news that day. I wanted them to get excited, but at the same time I wanted to prepare their little hearts just in case we received bad news. I guess looking back at this I think I was also preparing myself for bad news.

Baby at 6 weeks

The first blood draw my numbers were high enough to confirm that I was indeed pregnant. I kept bleeding, so that wanted to do a follow up blood test the following week to see if my number went up. The second one showed an increased number but not as high as they were hoping... my heart kind of sank at that news, but I kept my faith and prayed that my bleeding would stop and it would be fine. At 6 weeks we had an ultrasound to see if we could find/see a heartbeat... being nervous that we wouldn't see a heartbeat or receive bad news we had the kids wait outside of the room with the nurses as our way of protecting them. I remember seeing that tiny little heart beating and I felt a sigh of relief escape my lungs and some hope being restored. Looked at JC with tears in my eyes and said ok, well there is a heartbeat. Next up was my appointment with the nurse practitioner. I remember wanting to speak with her before telling Kylie and Micah any news, so I went in the room alone. 

Spoke with her and she said that she didn't see a need to be testing my numbers any more and that what we had was a viable pregnancy. Wow! Did I really hear those words right? I was thankful that she was the same nurse practitioner that saw me after my last miscarriage, so she knew this was really great news. I'll never forget her kindness after my last miscarriage, I was by myself at that appointment and it was the beginning of COVID so she wasn't suppose to give me a hug but she asked if she could and I of course said yes. I have found from going through so many loses that it really does help to have people in your life that know what you have been through because it is exhausting to have to explain to people our complete background when it comes to pregnancy and babies.I find myself breaking up our different heartbreaks if I know I will be seeing that person more then once, I don't know if I do this to ease their pain or mine. 

sweet kiddos with daddy

After I had my appointment with the nurse I came out and showed Kylie & Micah the ultrasound picture and said there's the baby. It was a little difficult to explain to them where the baby was as at this gestation there is the sac still attached to it. Kylie was very excited and Micah was kind of indifferent. The next day was a Saturday and we decided to go on a little family outing to celebrate the good news that baby had a heartbeat! I was still a little hesitant on getting excited as I was still bleeding (and would continue to for a few more weeks) we got out in the sunshine and stopped at a local favorite spot for dessert. I craved onion rings those early days and I remember JC surprising me with some from Culvers which was a really sweet and showed that he acknowledged the fact that I was in fact pregnant again!

our little family

So thankful for my guy

That't all for today, but I am hoping to post a few more updates to get you caught up to where we are all at now! XOXO Bee

Lament, much?

 Lament... What do you think of when you hear this word? Previously the only thing that came to mind when I heard this word was "complain". Is it appropriate to complain to God? To whine to him about not getting your way or for complaining to Him about how life is going? 

Well friends let me tell you that 2020 was hard for all of us in many different ways. This past year has left me lamenting a lot lately and I have been wondering if the feelings I have been having as of late are ok. See growing up as a Christian in a christian home I was always taught to bring my struggles to God. Ok, been there done that, but what I was never taught was what to do when things don't work out or what to do with feelings of disappointment. I think I always just had a preconceived notion that having faith in God was all rainbows and butterflies and that stormy days and nights didn't really exist if you had your faith. 

WRONG! Faith makes getting through those storms possible. However something I have recently discovered is that it is ok to lament. It's ok to share your broken heart with God, he wants us to. Lamenting is not complaining; it is the practice of bringing our struggles, mourning and sorrow to God. As I read through my devotion today I began to feel a little bit of light coming to me, helping me understand the feelings I have been having and it was as if God was sitting next to me telling me that it's ok for me to have these feelings of sadness and struggle. 

"Yet we often decline His invitation to lament, and the pressure of pain and anguish builds. Why do we resist? Maybe we feel guilty questioning God and think it's sinful to admit struggle. Maybe we assume that acceptable faith should always appear positive and unshakable. Or, maybe we equate being close to God with mountaintop experiences full of praise and celebration."

"Let's be clear: expressing both praise and pain to God is worship. Whether we are joyfully raising our hands or sorrowfully turning our tear- streaked faces toward Him, we are seeking God and engaging in genuine relationship with our Creator. As we lament, as we grieve, Jesus stands with us as the one who has wrestled with and beaten death itself. He gives the comfort of His presence that soothes, restores and brings us back to life." ~ Patti Sauls {She Reads Truth writer}

I think when we are believers we tend to forget that it's ok to have struggles, its ok to be hurt and doubt... because we are after all human. Being a believer and having faith is not a promise that life will be easy and with out sadness... it means you have a belief that will help carry you though those hard times. Believe me when I say that if I didn't have my faith and belief in God that I would not still be standing today. Life has thrown many things my way and one those things has been losing loved ones. So yeah I do think its ok to be sad and lament to the One who created me because that is part of life. What is not ok is to lose faith or hope in the One who created me because He loves me with an unshakable love, one without end. 

Friends, I hope you are all well... just remember if you are struggling today, its ok. Do what you need to do to heal, rest, and reset. God is one that will always meet you where you are, especially in the middle of your dark stormy times! 

XOXOXO Bee

Here I Sit.

Here I sit a week and a half after losing another sweet baby. Last summer I met with an OB doctor and she gave me the ok to try for just one more baby, so JC and I decided to leave it in God's hands if it was meant to be. Fast forward to March 6th when the pregnancy test showed positive, as I was trying to wrap my head around actually being pregnant again (for the 5th time!). 

With all my last two pregnancies I felt a certain whispering from God, with Kylie it was to Trust God, with Micah it was to enjoy being pregnant and this time the only whisperings I was receiving was I will take care of you. It felt different this time around but I was trying my hardest to trust Him and that we would hold this baby. I just never had peace about this pregnancy and wasn't sure why all I knew is that God would take care of ME. Whether it is the state that our country is in with this crazy pandemic or my anxiety getting to me I just couldn't put my finger on it. I was trying my hardest to not let fear take over, but then just a couple short days before my first appointment/ ultrasound I began to have cramps and some bleeding.I had had light bleeding the beginning with Micah, but the cramping is what worried me... I had never had that with any of my other pregnancies. I broke down crying the night before my appointment telling JC I didn't want to go to my appointment alone because I had a bad feeling and because I was scared about what the hospital would be like/ look like during the pandemic changes.

That Friday morning when I woke up it was rainy and cloudy out. The weather was reflecting how I was feeling inside, I just felt like something was wrong. Once I got to my appointment, I waited for what felt like and hour to be called back for my ultrasound. Once the ultrasound began the tech was very quiet as he did his measurements (which I remember quietness during the ultrasound when we found out we lost our second baby). I finally heard the words slip out of my mouth "I don't see a heartbeat." he agreed and said I don't think there is... sorry about that.

Woah, tears immediately streamed down my face... I had half way expected this, but that doesn't take away the shock or pain of the moment. The tech left the room to give me some privacy and get the nurse practitioner. So I began to deliver the terrible news and typed the words "no heartbeat" or "baby did not have a heart beat." in text to family and friends I knew had been praying for me and baby. These are not fun words to type or have delivered to your phone... this moment was especially hard because JC was not with me (the clinic didn't want "extra"people coming to appointments). First time receiving this terrible news with out my partner there to help hold me up, thank goodness God was there giving me the strength I needed.

As I left with tears streaming down my face because I just couldn't turn them off, in true "Bee" fashion I could not find where I parked my car (this clinic is like a maze in itself and has 3 levels for parking). I went back and forth between the first and second floor of parking for probably about 10 minutes before I finally walked out of the parking garage (while it was raining) and found my car with the gps on my phone.... I was parked on level 3. I tell you this ridicules part of the story to show how God threw some comedy relief in this day for me to be able to just shake my head and laugh at myself.

As I came home to JC and received such a sweet and loving hug from him, I melted into his arms and let myself weep once more. These feelings; lose, grief, sadness, emptiness and anger came flooding in and felt so familiar to both of us. We have been here before, not once but twice... but why did this time feel so different? Well this time we have two beautiful healthy babies here with us and this time I was only 8 weeks into this pregnancy, so my physical appearance wasn't so much a reminder of the baby we lost. As terrible as it sounds since we lost our Maggie I had prayed that if God was going to take a baby that he would take the baby early on. I had it in my mind that it would feel different perhaps hurt less. Well I can tell you it hurts just the same, if anything this lose has been harder in some aspects. I think because we do have kids now, we know the possibility of what we lost. Having seen and watched Kylie & Micah grow and learn, we long to see this baby do the same thing!

As the days go by the sadness has dwindled a bit, but my emotions/ hormones have been all over the place and it has been difficult to explain to people how I feel and what I'm struggling with. I came across this picture on facebook and it is such an accurate depiction of what miscarriage feels like, you feel like a part of you is missing, you're not whole. My body was just getting used to baby

growing and then baby was gone. That empty feeling... I was sitting on the couch the other day and felt like I was in need of something but didn't know what it was. Then if dawned on me, my tiny baby is what I needed/wanted. I know that I will see this baby again in Heaven and I rejoice in that knowledge! However in this moment as I sit here I am sad, I am full of grief , I am upset, I feel lost at times and that is ok. I am human and I will allow myself to go through these emotions. 

What matters is that I allow myself to grieve but also that I lean on God for strength and know that He will get be through this tough season. There is a time to mourn and a time to dance. I believe that there is a rainbow at the end of every season/ storm in life, if you only allow yourself to see it! 

Peace and Joy to you today my friends... may you find your rainbow! 

XOXO Bee

Last nights run.

Last night, I went for a run. It was suppose to be a 6 mile training run... with the way my shins have been feeling I knew that many miles wouldn't happen. I doubted I would even run. But I decided that I mentally needed the run... as the day went on I could feel my mood going down hill. I decided to put on my running gear, to be ready for when JC got home from work. 

After he got home I said a quick goodbye as I put my earbuds in, excited to hit the pavement and hopefully push myself a little. The plan was to do 2 miles, keep it easy but get my legs moving. I started to run out strong... a little faster than I should have, had to stop to catch my breath. As I got further from I started to feel tears well up in my eyes and then they just flowed down my face. Something I didn't think that had affected me much hit me like a ton of bricks. At .54 I sat down and let myself feel all the feelings. 
This is what running is for me. It is so therapeutic and lets me clear my head. I am a true believer that ever run has it's purpose; to push yourself and achieve a new personal record, for therapy, to just be, there are good runs, hard runs, runs that seem to last forever or sometimes feel like they don't last long enough. Sometimes miles go by quickly, sometimes they don't. 


Running. It's a love of mine and one that pushes me. Lately putting on my running shoes has been a struggle, I have doubt in myself and fear. Something I am working on and hope to push through and cross the finish line on June 22nd. This is where I am, I have learned that I need to allow myself and my body to be in the moment and feel what comes. So if that means I just run 2.52 miles instead of 6, that's what I need to do.

As I prepare for my longest training run tomorrow morning (12 miles) I am both excited and nervous. I just need to stay in a positive head space to get through it, hopefully the weather cooperates & I'm also praying that my shins also don't bother me too much! 

As I said before I am beyond excited to be running for Still I Run (Runners for mental health Awareness) and for all who suffer with their mental health. The runners in the community are know as road warriors.. how fitting that I got my "warr;or" tattoo right before I become part of the community. The tattoo stands for what I have been through, what I'm going through & where life will bring me. 

Just a few thoughts on where I am right now with running and my mental strength. It's a fight, but I refuse to give up or give in. I know that this too shall pass & it's just another season in life. I am thankful for a God who lies me right where I am at, A supportive husband & kiddos who are always there to cheer me on and for legs that allow me to run (even if they get a little tired!) 

XOXO Bee

I have a Confession...

I have a confession... running has been hard for me lately.In January when I decided that I would once again run Grandma's half marathon, I knew that my mental strength was not where it was last year when I signed up. Since beginning the training process, I feel like it has been an up hill battle. I have suffered from shin splints, but mostly it has been a battle with my mind. That still small voice that whispers, you can't or you're too slow or you'll never achieve your goal time always seems to be there.

It only seems fitting that I am dedicating my race this year to Still I Run, which is an amazing organization who is dedicated to bringing awareness to mental health. It is a community of runners that uses running to battle through depression, anxiety & other mental health issues that effect people. 

I personally began running to overcome postpartum depression after having Kylie. That was 5 years ago and my love for, passion & physical/mental health craves to run for energy boost & mood boosts.Running has become so much more than exercise for me, it has in many ways become therapy for me.

So here is that thing... I set out to raise $200 for Still I run a couple months ago, I was able to raise $260! I decided to up my goal to $1,000 with a short 13 days before race day! As I am struggling to finish my training and cross that finish line, I wonder if you would show some support. Whether that be donating money to fundraiser or praying for my mental strength on race day... I would greatly appreciate it. Wondering if you donate where your money will go? The following is directly off of the Still I Run website; 

Aside from the natural overhead costs of running a non-profit, here is where the majority of your donation to Still I Run goes.

Treatment Assistance Grant

Our ultimate goal is to someday have a Treatment Assistance Grant. With this grant, people in financial need can get mental health help because we’re very adamant that money should never be a barrier to receiving care. In addition to mental health treatment, recipients of the grant will be paired with a running coach to help them get in the healthy habit of running for mental health while creating a culture of accountability.

Ambassador Program

In 2018, Still I Run started an ambassador program which involves 6 individuals across the country (and one in New Zealand) running on behalf of Still I Run. These individuals blog on a quarterly basis, run races in Team Still I Run apparel, and post on social media about Still I Run. The ambassador program requires money to send apparel, free of charge (or deeply discounted) to ambassadors so that the message of Still I Run is spread in an organic fashion to the running community. In 2019 we have 20 ambassadors we’re supporting.

RUN.WRITE.FIGHT

In 2019 we launched a letter-writing program called RUN.WRITE.FIGHT. With the program, individuals can request a personalized, hand-written letter to be sent their way as a note of encouragement. Donations to Still I Run help purchase the cards, stamps, and envelopes needed for the program.

Support Running Groups

On a regular basis, individuals across the country reach out to Still I Run to host runs or running groups on behalf of us. To help support those efforts, Still I Run sends branded swag, snacks, and any other items to help the run or running group be a success.

Challenges

During the year, Still I Run holds challenges or virtual runs as a way to bring the community together and raise mental health awareness. People who sign up for the challenges or virtual races receive swag and/or prizes for participating.

Race Sponsorships

As a way to help spread Still I Run’s message, Still I Run looks to sponsors races. The sponsorships help to elevate our mission to the general public, supplies race discounts to people from the Still I Run community, secures booth space for Still I Run at race expos and more.

This organization is doing amazing things to end the stigma that surrounds mental health & I am so proud to be part of it! They stand for all of the things I know running has done for me and continues to do for me! Every step, every mile that I have done thus far and on race day will be for myself, my mama and all the people who struggle with their mental health.

This is the link to my fundraiser...

https://pledgeit.org/bee-barber-still-i-run-challenge/@breann-barber

Thanks for reading & being there friends! Have a fantastic weekend! 

XOXO Bee